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Fatality: Five Dollar Spotify Premium Fee Delivers Final Blow to Student's Bank Account


Photos (with edits) by Maria Murad / The Daily Pennsylvanian, Totie / CC0, anaterate / CC0, and TheHilaryClark / CC0

Flawless victory! Last evening, Spotify took its fair share of Curtis Lucero’s (E ‘22) savings account, leaving the poor student emotionally and financially defeated.

Onlookers were horrified to see a glistening green sphere float up and begin to harass Lucero as he walked home from class. Quickening his pace, Lucero attempted to escape the foul orb. This was an unwise decision, and one which would anger the orb greatly.

“Stop! I need that money to buy breakfast tomorrow!” Lucero yelled as Spotify pummeled him into the concrete.

Eyewitnesses allegedly heard a voice from above announce “FINISH HIM!” as the iconic green logo vacuumed up five dollar bills and vanished into the night sky.

UTB reached out to Lucero to find out more about his beatdown.

“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”

As a cash-strapped freshman, Lucero was struggling to make ends meet even before the music streaming service delivered its coup de grâce.

“Eating at Pret everyday’s expensive, yo,” Lucero complained. “And see this Penn merch I’m wearing? It’s probably worth more than your kidneys. Both of ‘em.”

Despite Lucero’s hardships, Spotify appeared to show no remorse for its excessive use of force.

“WITH EVERY DROP OF BLOOD, I GROW MORE POWERFUL,” Spotify articulated before floating away to claim the coffers of yet another Penn freshman.