The Results Are In! Obama Won
Photo from the Public Domain with edits by Mikayla Golub
November 3, 2020 at 11:45 pm
In case you were not aware, last night was the season finale of the United States: the 2020 General Election. Despite the fact the only candidates on the presidential ballot were Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and Jo Jorgeson, Barack Hussein Obama has won the popular vote and electoral college by a landslide. Barack Hussein Obama has also been elected to almost every congressional seat, in a series of unprecedented victories. (Obama did not win in Alabama, after it was revealed to voters that Barack and Michelle are not, in fact, cousins.)
UTB was able to interview a broad range of individuals on this issue. Declared poll workers everywhere, “Obama definitely did not win.” Jim Larson, Junior in the College and certified Penn Dems hopeful exclaimed, “Wait, did he?” <Insert name, irrelevant UPenn Statesman writer number 47> mused, “Hypothetically speaking, let's say that Obama won...”
Clearly, there is some controversy over this finding. This is to be expected, as some mail-in ballots still remain uncounted. Nonetheless, we, at UTB are 100% certain that Barack Obama has won. Below, we have inserted a graph displaying this irrefutable fact.
The president of our very own University of Pennsylvania, Amy Gutmann, insisted, “No you dumb bitches, Obama wasn’t on the ballot.” Unfortunately, all of Gutman’s presidential authority has been revoked as the Penn administration has replaced her with (you guessed it) Barack Hussein Obama. The graph doesn't lie, Amy.
We can all rest easy knowing that Obama won this election fair and square. In order to preserve the hope of the people and maintain a steady stream of tax revenue for these good United States of America, we are proud to announce that Obama has won everything. Everything is Obama. Our nation is now the United States of Obama. You are welcome.
We at Under the Button are proud to give you a reason to get up tomorrow morning. One thing is for sure, if we’re going to spread fake news, we might as well make it good news.