¡Dios Mio! Running Out of Buildings to Gentrify, Penn to Start Naming Toilets After Rich White Shits
Photo by Penn Medicine
February 17, 2022 at 10:56 am
My dear sweet Pennsters,
Today is a momentous occasion. Not only am I about to officially announce Penn’s newest line of state of the art ass-wiping technology, but I bring welcome news about our beautiful slice of heaven named West Philadelphia. Through all of your healthy and oh so generous contributions, and under the expert guidance of our Vision Board leader Mike Hunt, we are pleased to announce that all, yes all of University City is now free of povvos. This fine accomplishment is a testament to the values Penn preaches: leges sine moribus vanae: laws are beyond morals.
And so, now that the Amy Gutmann Research Center for the Exploration of the Human Condition, the Gutmann Flexibility and Strength and Conditioning Workshop, and the German Ambassador’s Office to 34th Street have all been erected, and boy were they erected quickly, we turn to unveiling the next steps in our University’s fine progression towards greater equity in the region. If we work hard enough, and with enough foreign investment, soon all of Philadelphia will be clean of the muck!
In no particular order, today I present to you all:
- The Richard Dickman Lavatory, found down the in one of the houses in the quad somewhere.
- The Peter File Restroom for Undergraduates, located around the corner on Level 0 of VP, out of sight of those pesky cameras.
- The Patty and Pat McGroin Center for Relief, replacing the CAPS office.
- The Phil McCavity Room within the Greek Life office.
- and finally, the Howie Felter Stall for Women within the LGBT office.
It is with great pleasure and pride that I announce the twin successes today: over both the shit and filth of this city.
The next time that you must excuse yourself, remember: you’re quite literally squatting on history.