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Didn’t Get a Bid? Here’s How to Make Them Pay.

Credit: Carey Salvin

So you rushed… and it didn’t pan out exactly how you dreamed. You might have imagined you’d be leaving January with the perfect new family. 

Well, you were wrong. They didn’t like you! None of them liked you!

Go ahead and cry yourself to sleep. Just kidding, you probably already did that. Anyway, here is my real and true suggestion: arson. Just kidding! That’s illegal… unless…

But seriously, don’t get down about this. The result of your rush process doesn’t say anything about your value as a human being or anything like that. It does, however, reflect your position within the social hierarchy here at Penn. We all know that if you are higher up there, you’ll have a perfect life. And if you are way down low at the bottom of this metaphorical food chain you might wind up miserable. But I’m sure you already know that.

You probably clicked on this article for a plan so here it is:

  1. Call your parents and cry to them about how your life is an unmitigated hell.
  2. Contact the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life to file an official complaint.
    1. Within 2-3 business weeks, you’ll be matched with a CAPS advisor that specializes in Sorority relations. 
    2. After you’re matched with your CAPS advisor, you only have to wait 4 more months for an appointment!
  3. Meanwhile, be sure to focus on engaging in activities that make you happy.
  4. Browse Craigslist daily to peruse real estate listings for Victorian Conversion Homes with at least 10 bedrooms.
  5. Learn the Greek alphabet. Pick a few favorite letters! Then mash ‘em on up together.
  6. With your new home and letters, you can make an Instagram page (this is the most important step)! 
  7. THEN, make a second Instagram account that is just full of disposables.
  8. Use your new social clout to make lots of friends… and… dare I say it… sisters. 

Boom. You win. They’re gonna be sorry. Especially when you get famous and they don’t.