Op-Ed: Why I Won't Be Rolling This Magic Gardens

Last semester, for Magic Gardens, I was told to roll. You can’t go to MG and not roll, everyone, everyone is rolling. Everyone does it and I did want to try to feel it to the max. That’s the only way to get through a thousand replays of Yosemite anyway, you gotta roll is what everyone says, you can’t go to Magic and not roll. However, this Magic Gardens, I won’t be rolling, and here is why you shouldn’t neither. 

As this was my first time, I wanted to be prepared and do my research. The dosage, the vitamins, the mix and mix-nots. I did some stretching and opened my hips wide, the way they do it on this one gay hockey show, I don’t know what show, I don’t really watch those things. I curled my toes in and out, anything to avoid those foot cramps, and even did some isometric neck resistance work. 

There, I’ve twisted and turned, half a spin, a full spin, 2 spins twice the speed, I can’t stop bumping into people, I’ve been rolling hard. Nothing. I considered the possibility of me doing it wrong but it just can’t be — what’s more to know about rolling? So why is it that when I am there, at the glorious One Arts Center, I am the only one getting dirty rolling on the floor to the beat of the music. How is rolling euphoric? It can’t be all that? No one else seems to be doing it, so what’s that talk about?  

Truth is, I felt so odd rolling. Even greater truth is that rolling is the worst style of dancing, and meth is funner anyway.