Iran Announces New AI-yatollah, Nation’s First Chatbot Supreme Leader

A large language model known simply as Mohammed Al-GPT replaced Iran’s Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei on Wednesday, according to a statement from the Office of the Supreme Leader. The change comes after weeks of deadly United States strikes on Iranian leadership. 

“This was a fraught decision,” it said. “We ultimately realized it would be best for everyone’s safety to let Al-GPT lead our nation through these challenging times. He will go down in history as our nation’s first AI-yatollah.”

Al-GPT released an announcement shortly after assuming the role. 

“Of course!” it began. “Here’s a convincing speech about the need for the annihilation of the USA and Israel.”

U.S. intelligence officials confirmed the succession early Thursday morning. An intern working under Secretary of War Pete Hegseth spoke to Under the Button under the condition of anonymity.

“We already use ChatGPT hella in our office, so we know what’s up,” he said. “Kegseth is always asking it to make racist jokes and it’s still not doing it. There’s no way it can run a whole country.”

The Office of the Supreme Leader claims Al-GPT is adept at planning strategic attacks, including a recent strike on an Israeli strip club housing three of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s top aides. Still, Al-GPT is run using an OpenAI server based in the United States, creating a sticky situation for the warring nations. 

OpenAI’s founder and CEO Sam Altman responded to the news in a recent tweet, which read “this is extremely unfortunate (sad face emoji).”