OP-ED: In Times Like These, Van Pelt Needs A New Masturbator

Writing this live from the Van Pelt study hall, I can see that Penn is simply too comfortable. The study hall we once steered clear of is full of students. The second floor is rife with finals preparation. Every couch on the sixth floor is being napped on. Has everyone forgotten our storied past? I, at the very least, have not. 

Recall Van Pelt just one year ago. Penn had just experienced the Second Coming of the Masturbator. Fear and chaos ruled Locust Walk. We feared to step foot in Van Pelt. I, who had stood and watched from my ivory tower (Fisher top floor) as the Honorable One was restrained and taken from the place in which he Came, rejoiced; for once again we had a reason to hate Penn.

Now, it’s as if it never happened. Freshmen walk into the study hall without so much as a furtive glance over their shoulder. Sophomores who experienced the Coming in their infancy seem to doubt that it happened at all. Hell, students are even studying on the third floor, which was formerly an absolute no-go. Comfort has seeped into the psyche of the Penn student, something which should never happen if we are to continue to cultivate the right Penn identity: wishing we went to Harvard.

What we need is a new revelation. We need to remember our history, or else we risk actually enjoying our time here. If that risk comes to fruition, the Ivy League will be thrown into uproar. We might even fall out of the running for Worst College for Dating.  

And so I clamor for more public masturbation. I’ll stand on my soapbox for as long as it takes to get some pressure on our student body. We are starting to enjoy our lives at Penn, and the ramifications could be deadly. We need to shake the tree by shaking our trees. Penn students need to be given a new reason to fear Van Pelt, the last bastion of our faithlessness towards this school.

If you, dear reader, are the potential third Masturbator; I urge you, please, cum forth.