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Time To Pretend You Want A Kia Soul

(09/24/09 8:01pm)

Let us fill in for Pitchfork for a moment and keep you up to date on MGMT's whereabouts. You guys know about MGMT, don't you? Here is their story: Wesleyan, "Time To Pretend", "Electric Feel", Justice Remix of "Electric Feel", Sex Drive, Tim "The Freak" Lincecum, "Kids", Sarkozy, NHL 2K10, new album coming out. And now everybody's all up to date! Usually when we tell awesome stories like that, people are like, "More! Tell us more! That can't be the end, can it?" Usually it is the end, but not this time - the next thing the band is up to is a free concert right here in Philadelphia on Sunday as part of Kia Presents: The Soul Collective Tour (so catchy). To get a pair of tickets, you have to test drive the new Kia Soul at the 23rd St. Armory, but driving is so fun, right? We all miss driving when we're at school, right? That's why we all brought racecar beds this year, right?



ShutterButton: Holy Crap, Look At The Line At The Cupcake Truck

(09/23/09 5:50pm)

When we heard Buttercream was stopping by campus we were looking like this. Then we told you guys and you listened! We showed up and it was packed. The line you see up there is only about half of it. Luckily, we landed some cupcakes! Red Velvet was sold out so we opted for a Chocolate Peanut Butter. Our analysis after the jump.


You Tipped, We Sipped: Frozen Watermelon Lemonade

(09/22/09 7:59pm)

Remember that Mike Jones song, "Still Tippin"? We hope it gets stuck in your head and its chorus acts as a little string on your finger that reminds you to always send us cool info. Houston rap: chopped and screwed and so helpful! Recently, you readers were tippin' that Au Bon Pain added tasty frozen watermelon lemonade to its menu, so needless to say (more like seedless to say lol), we had to investigate.


Better Understanding The Other Universities Of Pennsylvania

(09/22/09 3:03pm)

Old people never know what's up but come on, that's nothing new. They're always going on about how much they like Ike and, you know, Stan Musial this and Gene Krupa that and ENOUGH ALREADY. Plus there are all those times when what they're saying is complete nonsense ("Put that Frank Sinatra record on the turntable for me." Huh??). So while we can't decode everything your grandma says, we can help you out when it comes to confusing remarks she may make about our school. More times than not, they are only confusing because she's not even talking about our school.


Do You Take Requests, Penn Band?

(09/21/09 4:00pm)

We went to the football game on Saturday and sat through the entire disappointing affair. Oops, not the best way to start, guys. But no biggie - there are more pressing problems at Franklin Field these days. We're talking about you, Penn Band. Listen, "Since U Been Gone," "All The Small Things" and "Final Countdown" are great, but can we get something new? We have a few suggestions.



Say This Stuff: Football Edition

(09/18/09 7:25pm)

Freshmen, we know you're worried about this football game tomorrow. Not worried that our boys won't be able to pull off the upset against Villanova, but that you will have nothing to say to your hallmates who go to the game with you. You've never spent time with them in this kind of setting, you're not sure if your "I don't remember a THING from NSO" stories are stale yet, and you don't know anything about our team. Completely understandable - as freshmen, we ended up just stuffing our mouths with our toast to fill the silences.



Finally, A Place With All The Candy And Jasmine Rice We Can Eat

(09/15/09 4:01pm)

Maybe we're late noticing this, but sometime this summer, C3 turned into The Uncommon Market. We've been caught off guard quite a bit recently, so we are embarrassed to be surprised again, but this was straight bogus. The aisles are all different, there are boxes and boxes of almonds, it isn't completely depressing. Also, its new name totally calls out the dining hall above it. Edgy.





Penn Profs Make Corn Spit Beer

(09/11/09 4:02pm)

Oh, this is gross. Our buddies at the New York Times wrote about a pair of Penn professors who joined a Delaware brewery to make some chicha, an obscure corn beer popular in South and Central America. Dr. Patrick E. McGovern, the scientific director of the Biomolecular Archaeology Laboratory, and anthropology professor Dr. Clark Erickson chewed and spit out corn into trays, converting the corn into fermentable sugars with the natural enzymes in their spit and ewwwwwwww.


Flavor Shots? More Like No Way-vor Shots!

(09/09/09 8:04pm)

But then, we looked closer, and noticed the option to add flavor shots to our beverage - chocolate, vanilla, raspberry and cherry - and we flipped out. TOO MUCH. See, we are too set in our ways to try blasting any type of flavor shot into our favorite soft drinks, so we are calling on you, our readers, to shoot some flavor into your Mr. Pibb and tell us if this is something we should include in our well-balanced diets. Please, hit us up in the comments - the future of our soda drinking is resting on your shoulders, guys.


Garton To Get Keifferocious On Rest Of Ivy League

(08/30/09 6:04pm)

Maybe it's all the Hard Knocks we've been watching or maybe it's all the reading we've been doing in preparation for our fantasy drafts, but either way, we're pumped for football season. So it was great to see our pals at the New York Times give Penn starting quarterback, Keiffer Garton, a nice write up as part of their college football preview. Though the big schools start play next week, we don't begin until the September 19th. So you may think this has been written too early to get the other teams in the Ivy League scared of our double threat behind center, but you would be so wrong.


Might As Well Give Us All The ESPYs Now

(08/26/09 6:37pm)

Good football-related news, guys! No, seriously, good Penn football-related news is a real thing - it's just been a while. Anyway, Penn football landed four players on the College Sports News All-America teams. Bust out your big foam fingers, everyone! Senior Chris Wynn made third team and seniors Matt Schaefer and Jon Ganiprow both made honorable mentions, but most notable is junior kicker Andrew Samson who made the first team. He's the only Ivy Leaguer on this most prestigious of All-American teams, right alongside players from schools who upset former national champions.



Penn To Install Bangin' Stereo System

(07/07/09 2:18pm)

Yesterday at UTB headquarters, our daily 90-minute sensory deprivation chamber naps were interrupted by the sounds of our AOL accounts all saying "You've Got Mail" in unison. First we were annoyed that our chambers weren't strong enough to block the noise (if you know of a higher grade chamber than the ones we've been using, let us know) but then we saw what the email said and it was great news! The UPennAlert Emergency Notification System has a new component: the Penn Siren Outdoor System (Penn SOS). It's a series of 13 speakers around campus that can "transmit emergency alert tones and voice intelligible messages to the outdoor campus environment." Tests of the system using the Westminster Chimes will be held every first Friday of the month at 11 a.m. starting October 2nd, but who likes sleeping in on Fridays anyway? Check out more info here.


Princeton Nerd Cracks Ancient Penn Nerd Code

(07/03/09 11:26pm)

A couple centuries ago, a Penn professor named Robert Patterson wrote to Thomas Jefferson with this crazy secret message that everybody kind of agreed was impossible to solve. Patterson even said it was so hard, it would, "defy the united ingenuity of the whole human race." Yikes. Well sorry, Patterson, but it looks like a mathematician working in Princeton, NJ figured it out.





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