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Spotify played creepy corporate big brother this week and named us the 34th most musical school in the country based on subscriptions and listening habits. Unlike most of the ranking bullshit-storm, though, they actually released a pretty detailed breakdown of how we get down. Hint: Playboy def won't be inviting us to DJ one of their parties anytime soon. The highlights:
To the doubters: We are the #1 party school. If giggly, loveable eastern European girls running around asking guys to kiss them isn't a party, then what is? But there are more important things to consider. Who are these girls? Do they even go to Penn? Did they come all the way from Ukraine just to kiss some Penn dudes? What will JerryLiu think of next? Are you a Mary or a Nastia? So many questions. So much giggling.
The ole grind is back whether you like it or not, so you might as well do some stuff! Here is some upcoming stuff:
We know the burning question on your mind: should you brave the masses and Philly heat and go to Made in America this weekend? It’s all good. We’ve done the thinking for you.
We know the burning question on your mind: should you brave the masses and Philly heat and go to Made in America this weekend? It’s all good. We’ve done the thinking for you.
Did the new intern at work just take your desk "by accident"? You obviously need a hitman. Alternatively, you just need to find a new job. Luckily, this sort of terrifying poster on 40th and Locust applies to both situations! Whether you're tryna off a coworker or just take your GTA5 skills 2 the next level, this guy's got you covered. He can help you with your problem. He can terminate anybody. He can make you impervious to the law. He cannot spell.
If your guilty pleasure isn't sitting in the bathtub and yelling at the TV during Jeopardy and congratulating yourself for each answer you get correct, then you probably didn't hear that the Penn Quakers were the final Jeopardy answer on Tuesday night. This is exciting. We are FAMOUS.
Summer's finally here and you know what that means! It's time to get down to business and hash out a debauchery/shenanigan schedule for the next three months. Luckily Labor Day weekend is covered. Made In America's 2014 lineup is out, and it's pretty stacked.
In this crazy world, there are but few places one can go and be truly free. Free to feast on different colors of wine and large platters of chicken with 70 of your closest friends and dance drunkenly with the waitstaff, Grecian bacchanal-style. UTB is once again truly devastated to report the end of a pleasantly blurry, noodle-filled era. Charles Plaza is reportedly closing-- or at least the number has been disconnected.
It's a lovely, sunny Friday, and while everyone else is hungover wondering how long they can stay in bed before anyone notices, you're flying down Locust on your way to recitation. Each step you take is another point you're adding to the class average. Each sip of your Starbucks is actually made of the tears of those a standard deviation below you on the curve. You are the shit. Suddenly a faint jingle in the distance snaps you out of it. What's that intoxicating sound pulling you in until you're helplessly clutching a little piece of paper? It's a bunch of girls in jingling skirts and have they got a show for you.
Ahh, fling--the sun is temporarily shining, the birds are singing, hackers are hacking, and NARCS ARE LURKING. The Liquor Control Agency is back in full(er) force this year to protect West Philly from the terrifying threat of drunk kids in boat shoes, and they mean business. If you're planning to guetta little weird this week, there are some things to keep in mind: This year there are twice as many alcohol monitors, patrolling on and off campus Monday-Friday 6 p.m.-2 a.m. and Saturday 12 p.m.-2 p.m. Officially they need to (1) hear music, (2) see a crowd, and (3) see open alcohol containers, but LCA agents and alcohol monitors have been known to raid parties without all three of those conditions in place. Basically, if you're throwing down for fling, it has to be a silent disco and the alc needs to have a cap on it at all times. Sippy cups work. Undercover LCA agents will be at parties and for the first time in Penn's history have the authority to escort the president of the organization out of the house in handcuffs. Note: LCA agents are not the same as alcohol monitors. They're here to write citations and make arrests, kick underage ass and take underage names, float like undercover butterflies and sting like bees with badges. Watch ur back. Watch others' backs. If an "RA" knocks on your Quad door out of the blue and demands to search your room for alcohol, this person is probably not an RA. Or a NARC. Despite rumors of such sketchy Quad searches, it seems that if it's really happening, it's thanks to people who are probably too cheap to buy their own alcohol. Use your noggins, kids. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. Nerdy site, but good info. Ridiculous, but timely. If fighting the man is your thing, Protest for a Free Fling is actually happening Thursday at noon on College Green, as per last night's viral Facebook event. Peace love fling and protests! This is so theme-y! You've got UTB's support. Is it too late to get a Free Fling fling tank? The IFC is reportedly working to push the LCA's attention to off-campus frats, but no one is really safe. We're just wondering when fling got so hard. Now we have to remember to not get hospitalized AND not get arrested? That's two whole things to remember. Actually you also have to remember to send us your texts from fling. That's three things.
HELLO, FLING WEEK. It's the calm before the shitstorm of beer and bad decisions that will descend upon us in 72 hours, or 48 for fun people. Unfortunately, a few things still have to happen before you can find your peacelovenfling. But this is Penn! The only thing we like more than BYOing is finding events to inappropriately BYO. So happy flasking:
Some Penn intern at Philebrity must have burned the shit out the coffee the other morning, because they just posted a pretty salty paragraph about how much Penn interns suck. But low key they sort of hurt our feelings.
As the second snowiest winter on record finally releases us from her icy grip, it's finally spring SUBLETTING SEASON. We can smell the blooming flowers 'n sketchy Craigslist strangers already! But really, we get it. You have to find some dude to overcharge for your crappy twin XL stat so you can afford five square feet of space in Manhattan for the summer. If you aren't properly skeeved out by the thought of someone else showering in your shower, here are some subletting horror stories to get you good and freaked! Directly submitted from readers like you.
We were very prepared to hate this promo for Apes' upcoming "uptown," but were pleasantly surprised by the cinematography and homage to LiLo's 2003 classic. The video stars Lyn of Lyn's food truck, some dude in Apes, and a girl we don't know but are 99% sure is in SDT. But what's wrong with regular old downtowns and simple Facebook events as advertisement? EVERYTHING, hello. Those are obvs for squares and community service frats.
*Grunt*
REJOICE, NO SCHOOL TOMORROW-- Today will forever be known as the day the collective bitching of 10,000 Penn students actually resulted in a giant winter storm that got school cancelled. #PaxParty #ThxPax
The Elevated Surfaces Lin of Alpha Phi wants you to know that they're the hottest lin on campus but also, like, the most inspirational. The tagline at the top says "DANCE. PARTY. LOVE. LIVE. CLIMB. HOPE. DREAM. BELIVE. SUCCEED. SUPPORT. SISTERS. FOREVER." It's like the motivational mural on your middle school cafeteria wall except misspelled and kind of creepy! The video of various spandex-clad girls dancing on various elevated surfaces (now switched to a Cheetah Girls music video for reasons unknown) pretty much explains the name.
Snow and rain had a love child and are sideways raining disgusting sleet-snow afterbirth all over us. That's what's hapPENNing. But also there are some other things happening this week... or mostly Tuesday.
Palms sweating, the PPE professor stared out at the sparkling white tundra before him. Was this it? After years of corny jokes and forced chuckles from the front row, had he finally been vindicated? While you were busy today eating everything in the house, testing out different legging/sock combos and getting some important Googling done in the privacy of your room, history was being made. The world has now seen the ultimate lame (and possibly offensive?) prof pun.