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OP-ED: I Only Go to Metro Because I Love Verbal Abuse

(09/16/19 2:58pm)

My Sunday hangover ritual necessitates a stop at Metropolitan Cafe. The quaint little brunch spot is my favorite place to nurse a hangover on a Sunday morning. I don’t go for the so-so lattes though or for Metro's selection of middling paninis, wraps, and salads. No, as a proud masochist and a vocal member of the BDSM community, nothing gets me going more than the verbal abuse that I suffer at the hands of the Metro employees. 

This Junior Was the First Mortal to Step Inside the Campus Subway: Here's Her Story

(09/13/19 12:01pm)

The store squatted on 40th and Spruce, an afterthought wedged beside Copa and Pelicana. It’s glowing green, white, and yellow sign twitched eerily in the smarmy humidity of a late summer evening. It was 10:00 PM, and College junior Rebecca Jacobs, in the throes of an intense, insatiable desire for a hoagie, decided to do the unthinkable: she would eat dinner at the campus Subway. 

Penn Bookstore Promises a Thousand Curses upon Students’ Firstborns If They Don’t Get Their Textbooks Right Now

(09/08/19 3:13pm)

Citing a trend of declining profits in the past few years, the Penn Bookstore has recently announced that it is taking a far more aggressive sales approach. If students do not purchase their textbooks by the very first day of class, the bookstore will utilize Dr. Gutmann’s strong connection to the Dark Powers to cast a thousand curses upon their firstborns. 

Rising Freshman: “Omg, How Many AP’s Are you Taking Next Semester?”

(07/11/19 4:53am)

Rebecca Wilson (C ‘23) is excited to tackle the college life. Never shying away from a challenge, Wilson enrolled in seven AP courses her senior year of high school, and has just recently found out that she scored a five on each of the eight exams she took this last testing season. (“Come on,” said Wilson, rolling her eyes. “Any dingus could ace the Human Geography exam without taking the class.”) 

OP-ED: I Don’t Have a Foot Fetish, I’m Just Really Passionate About Toes

(07/03/19 4:04am)

Ok, I know exactly what you’re thinking. No, I am absolutely not attracted to feet in a sexual way. Not uh. I actually really hate feet. They’re like, really unhygienic, being on the ground so much and all. And also they smell. Some weirdo might think they smell really good, like Gorgonzola that’s been aged to perfection. But that’s not me, no sir. I am the least foot-loving person that you’ve ever met. Like, I’d cut off my own feet if I could, haha.  

Inspirational! Insta Stories Successfully Guilt Trip Kendra to Go Vegan for Five Hours

(06/12/19 4:09am)

When Kendra opened up her Instagram feed Tuesday morning, she didn’t expect her entire belief system to be shaken to its core. As soon as Kendra opened her friend Kayla’s Insta story, she was bombarded with videos of cows and baby calves being punched, kicked, and otherwise abused. Reportedly, Kendra gasped, “How horrific!” and pretended to act shocked, despite already seeing countless other videos of the same thing that she’s simply chosen to forget about. 

“OMG, Peggy Got Pregnant!” and Four Other Pieces of Juicy Hometown Gossip That You Don’t Care About Anymore

(05/30/19 2:00pm)

It’s summertime, and that means for one week or two weeks or too many weeks you get the privilege of being submerged once again in the piping hot tea that’s been brewing in your hometown ever since you left for school. Maybe if you still lived here year round you could muster the emotional energy necessary to give a damn, but honestly you’re just too tired. But your old pal Jessica’s been going to community college, and you best believe that she’s going to tell-all over brunch, whether you like it or not. 

OP-ED: Save the Penn Book Center! (there's, like, a Starbucks in there, right?)

(05/27/19 2:00pm)

When I heard that the Penn Book Center was closing on campus, I was shook to my core. How could I, a student at this university, live without the megalith of a bookstore at 36th and Walnut? I get my coffee there almost everyday. And like, some semesters I even buy my textbooks there. Without the bookstore, how am I supposed to do either of those things?

Guest Column by College Republicans | Why We Invited the Flayed Corpse of God to Campus

(04/25/19 3:29pm)

Few people know the story behind the flayed corpse of God. It first came into the public spotlight after the mere sighting of it stimulated mass fear and panic. The flayed corpse of God knows fear and panic well, and has continued to sow it throughout the mortal world. When the flayed corpse of God was greeted on campus by an angry hoard of mostly terrified students shouting “what the fuck," none of the usually vocal liberal groups defending religious freedom on campus or in the broader media came to its defense. Why?

Innovative! This Freshman Boy Has Been Amazon Priming New Underwear All Year Instead of Doing His Laundry

(04/19/19 3:34pm)

Richard Fawkes (C ‘22) likes to think of himself as an innovator. He is, after all, a proud student at this University, and, as he’s quick to point out to everyone who didn’t ask, will be starting an uncoordinated dual degree with Wharton next fall. He is also quick to overshare the fact that he hasn’t done a load of laundry since September, but instead orders new underwear online whenever he needs a fresh batch.