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Each year, students celebrate the end of classes by ceremoniously burning their textbooks in a fire. It is an age-old tradition that is scientifically proven to help reduce stress and anxiety levels and also contribute to global warming. What a time!
When Harry Riley (SEAS’19) moved off campus, he immediately bought a new bicycle. Although the main reason for Riley’s purchase was because his friends were really tired of hearing how long his trek from 41st and Spruce to the Engineering Quad is, he also wanted everyone to see how cool his hair could look blowing in the wind.
Public Nudity
We met up with Ralph Olsen, a Junior studying English and Cinema Studies, to hear how his first time participating in OCR is going. When asked about the interview process, Olsen listed all of the info sessions he has attended thus far and explained how excited he is for first round interviews. But when we asked if he has attended any coffee chats, Olsen explained, “Well I’ve skipped all of those because I’m not much of a coffee person. I have a cardiac arrhythmia and my doctors tell me that ingestion of stimulants such as coffee can lead to an 2% increased chance of hospitalization. That’s why I can only drink tea now.”
Jamie Steinberg (W ’18) came back to campus this fall and noticed something odd: he didn't recognize anyone. Even after pacing up and down Locust during peak hours, Steinberg claims he didn’t receive a single head nod or soft smile.
Hey, are you a student who wants to go to fun Fling events but missed the Eventbrite link to buy semi-reasonably priced tickets because you have real things to do but now can't afford or feel morally opposed to spending upwards of $100 on wristbands from Sneks trying to make a profit? Does this sound like you? Welcome to under the button dot com's fool proof plan for sneaking into overrated frat parties Fun Fling Events™:
Sophomore Coleman Terry, who recently transferred from the College of Arts and Sciences to Wharton, wanted to do something creative for his Management 100 project this semester.
So it’s 12:00 pm and you’re trying to get a snack before your Geology lecture (I know, aren’t sector requirements the worst?). You don't know where to go, so you start walking from Walnut down 40th street. But there's a line that goes from Harvest all the way up the block.
Today from 6-8 pm, scholars and students alike will participate in The Great Debate: Latke vs Hamantaschen at the Chabad House. One food will be named the winner. For the 1% of the Penn population that isn't jewish, Wikipedia defines a latke as "a fried pancake of grated or ground potato" and a hamentasch as a "filled-pocket cookie or pastry recognizable for its triangular shape."
Plelp is a new app developed by SEAS junior Jared Parrel that allows girls to rate and review, Yelp-style, the fraternity pledges that deliver food and drinks to them for Big Little Week.
This past Sunday night, Christina Preston (C'18) received a group text from her friends to meet at 41st and Pine at 11:30 PM. They were to celebrate Junior Katie Reilley's 21st birthday. Plans for the night included Smirnoff "Icing" Reilley at her house after taking a couple hundred photos of Reilley posing with 66 inch long gold balloons in the shape of the numbers 2 and 1.
Wharton Senior Jacob Schnitzer went into Feb Club with high expectations. In an attempt to make the most of his final semester at Penn, Schnitzer set out to attend all 28 events and get his name engraved on a prestigious plaque in Smokey Joe's.
This is an official request for permission to carry and use firearms on campus to prevent grizzly bear-related injury or death. We are not sure who is in charge of setting campus firearm policies, but we trust that the proper officials will read this. Please, allow us to defend ourselves against all the grizzly bears we see each day, roaming Locust or hibernating in GSRs. Thank you Betsy DeVos for championing this cause and helping us make Penn a safer place.
This week on Club Penguin on the Issues, we tackle healthcare reform. Since this is more of a private matter, penguin UTBforlife decided to hit the igloos and engage in more intimate chats with the voters.
Talk about a hostile takeover. The website domain Wharton-women.com appears to have been purchased by a party unrelated to Wharton, as it now redirects to a Russian pornography website. Perhaps WWIB is taking its mission of celebrating female leaders in the business world, and beyond, a little too far. Maybe a Management-100 project got out of hand. Or maybe this is just another part of the Russian plan to disrupt Penn student life by way of hacking and skullduggery. In any case, a search for "Wharton" pornography returned a disappointing zero results.
It's sorority rush season, which is really just one big blur of black Canada Goose jackets, the phrase "we were just talking about", and the song "Sorry" by Justin Bieber. All conversations begin with "wow it's so cold/warm outside!", lead to "oh you're undecided? it's okay, you have so much time!" and end with "my coat is the black one with fur". We're here to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way. Here are some rush conversation starters that will 100% get you a bid*:
This week for Club Penguin On The Issues, we asked other penguins what they thought about gun control. The feedback was surprisingly weak. We have some potential conspiracy theories as to why Club Penguin users didn't respond to such incendiary comments:
You may have noticed that it has been unusually warm for November. Some people are blaming global warming. But, scientists, the media, and our government are missing one crucial piece of evidence against this so-called "global warming" - Club Penguin. Riddle me this - if Earth's average surface temperature is increasing due to rising levels of greenhouse gases, then how is the Blizzard community in Club Penguin chilly and thriving? If climate change truly exists, then how are snow ball fights breaking out at the Ski Lodge on a daily basis? If there really is a sustained increase in temperatures around the globe, then why are all the stylish penguins still wearing the Santa hats they won at that Member Igloo Party? Chew on that, readers.
It’s that time of year again, and no we’re not referring to Thanksgiving. We’re talking about the most dreaded event of the school year: marathon season. Gone are the days when you could roll out of bed and enjoy some light Instagram stalking of your ex-hookup’s 45 week old photo of his sister’s boyfriend’s cousin in peace. We have all been plagued with photo after photo of marathoners with your Goretex blankets, chunky gold medals, and overused puns with the number “13.1” in the caption. Do you think you're better than us?* Have you not heard of bikes? Uber? It's 2016, there are easier ways to travel long distances.
Sick of watching Fox News and CNN and wondering who to trust? UTB understands the struggle of finding truth in the media this crazy election season. That’s why we went straight to the source to ascertain accurate polling data- Club Penguin™.