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Hey, it’s Jett and Maura. We know what you’re thinking: Jett and who??? Well, Maura is the girl from the UTB mega-viral Instagram takeover last week. She is pretty cool, she went to [REDACTED] date night with me (Jett), and she is in Wharton although you never would have guessed it but that’s how things work at the University of Pennsylvania so maybe you would have guessed it.
My perfectly regulated sleep cycle makes one thing hard: staying up late. I usually get sleepy around 9 each night and tuck myself in at 9:30, before watching tasteful ASMR videos until I fall asleep at 10 PM SHARP every night. Lately, though, I've been getting invited to a lot of parties - some of you may be familiar with this, but others may not, so I will explain. Usually, a text gets sent out or I receive a Facebook invite saying something like "BACKLOT 11PM BE THERE!" or "ROLL ZBT LATE NIGHT."
Let me paint you a picture... It's Sunday evening, and I'm sitting in bed scrolling through Instagram stories on my iPhone (13 max pro 256GB) when I see a girl who I know vaguely post a screenshot of an account that seems to be identical to her Instagram account... but with far fewer followers.
It has recently been brought to my attention that many of my classmates’ parents have these nifty little helpers that they call "lawyers." I overheard a kid in my ECON 323 lecture explaining how his dad’s lawyer just made a huge insider trading scandal "go away." Then someone else jumps in and tells a story about their family’s lawyer who won some lawsuit involving some sort of union-busting lawsuit. Everyone sort of turns to me waiting for my legal anecdote, and in that moment, I was infinite. I cleared my throat, blinked my eyes (blue) thrice, and adjusted my posture, I knew my status as a capitalist, Whartonite shit would be solidified.
In an unprecedented turn of events this Friday night, Sarah (C’25) and Michael (W’24) were stuck in the Harnwell elevator for close to 5 hours. After meeting at the SAE house, the two decided to continue the rest of their evening in private. What happened next shocked them both. “I mean I wasn’t even planning on learning her name y’know,” says Michael, “I thought we would just hook up and then see each other on Tinder for the next few years, maybe run into each other at Commons. I’m not really sure what to say.”