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PennInTouch Acceptance Rate Drops to All-Time Low

(11/21/17 1:47am)

After securing a top ten slot in the Times higher education world university rankings, Penn has set its sights even higher. For years, our humble not-state-school has been bullied by heavyweights such as Harvard, Princeton and Stanford in elite college rankings. All rankings, that is, except for one. Across the nation, universities have striven to make their course-scheduling websites as open and accessible as possible. But here at the University of Pennsylvania, the gleaming torch of competition and rigorous selectivity still burns brightly against the hoards of the unenlightened.

Uh Oh: Penn Constructing Buildings Faster Than Perelman Family Can Reproduce

(11/12/17 5:45pm)

You know what they say: stand anywhere on Penn’s campus, throw a rock, and odds are you’ll have dented a sign that says Perelman on it. Members of the Perelman family have given millions to Penn, and in return their names decorate everything from the Ruth and Raymond Perelman Center for Advanced Medicine, to the Perelman Quadrangle, to the Ronald O. Perelman Center for Political Science and Economics, to the Biff Perelman Center for Gastronomic Amelioration (formerly known as the drab green Penn Park outhouse).

Modern Day Al Capone Steals Bread from Dining Hall

(10/11/17 5:05am)

When Stanley “Slick” Sullivan (W’21) walks through the aisles of 1920 Commons, a cloud of fear descends upon the hall. In just two short months, tales of this freshman’s infamy have spread far and wide. Ask Slick’s cronies about his exploits, and you’ll be lucky to receive anything more than a thin lipped sneer and a gravelly warning against “people sticking their noses where they got no business.”