Future Penn President Crosses Penn Off Of Her College Application List


Photo By University of Pennsylvania / CC0

Like thousands of high school seniors around the nation, Sonal Patel scrambled to assemble a list of colleges to which she will apply.

Little did she know that, in three short decades, she'd be filling out college applications again, but this time for the presidency of various elite colleges across the nation.

“I’m really conflicted on my ED school” noted the young woman, who would eventually go on to become Penn’s youngest president. “Definitely something East coast though.”

When asked about her thoughts on going to school in Philly, she grew visibly horrified.

“Penn? Please. I want to go somewhere that people have heard of,” scoffed the future luminary, who would over her tenure double the university’s endowment and finally settle the Fresh Grocer legal dispute.

“I can’t see myself spending more than like an hour in Philly,” noted the President-to-be, who would indeed spend a grand total of 47 minutes on campus during her ten years in office.

At press time, a visibly perspiring Amy Gutmann reminded us that her “term would last forever” and “no one would beat her days-not-spent-on-campus-record.”