OP-ED: I Don’t Care That I Just Failed My Econ Final — My Husband Will Be Richer Than All Of You

As I stumbled out of my Economics final, exhausted, yet buzzing, from the heavy 5 Hour Energy swig I just had taken, I was greeted by the post-exam chatter of answer comparisons.

My mom reminds me daily not to compare myself to others — she says I’m perfect the way I am :*). However, this time … this time I decided to speak my mind too. 

“What’d you get on the question about the regressive tax?” College freshman Sabrina Barnes asked her classmate and ex-friend-with-benefits Elizabeth Horner (W ’22).

“I left it blank,” I replied fearlessly, as I, a complete stranger, shimmied my way into this intimate conversation. “It’s okay, though, don’t worry about me,” I said to address their grimaces. “My husband is going to be rich. Like really rich. Probably richer than everyone in that lecture hall, actually.” 

I sensed their confusion, so I clarified: “Knowing the ways in which business and technology are converging in today’s world, I can assume he’ll be heavily invested in AI technology or perhaps a bitcoin billionaire. Something innovative. Nay, revolutionary.” I grew passionate. “He’s not whoring it up for Wall Street, let me tell you.”

“Getting into Penn is enough of an accomplishment already: I can rest easy now,” I told myself as I ate a weed brownie and strolled down Locust. “It’s okay that I failed this one. I’ll live a luxurious life regardless.”