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Your Weekly Horoscope (According to My Roommate's Friend with Benefits)


Photo by masao nakagami / CC BY-SA 2.0

From: Patrick Donahue

Subject: horoscopes r bullshit lol

Date: November 24, 2018

To: claudia.hogan@utb.org

Hey, Claudia! Thanks for reaching out to me about contributing to your super upstanding publication that I definitely read every day (or at least click "like" if it shows up in my newsfeed). It was a real honor that you chose me, Patrick Donahue, of all people, to write your weekly horoscope column that you only want me to write once. I’d like you to share this post with the disclaimer that horoscopes are bullshit, and you’re stupid if you believe in them, but could you phrase it in a nicer way so that people don’t think I’m an asshole? Thanks, babe. You’re my favorite of Jacquelyn’s 11 roommates. 


Did your leftovers disappear in the middle of the night, or did you just sleep-eat them then not feel full when you woke up? Consider all possibilities before pointing the finger of blame, because innocent people could be hurt. It takes real strength of spirit to admit when you’re wrong instead of accusing the only random person who happened to be sleeping in the house that night. Don’t doubt yourself, though. Order more Kung Pao Chicken, and see if it disappears in the middle of the night again. If it happens twice, you know it must be your fault. 


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and make sure you don’t take the one that leads you to the TV room Sunday at 1:00 p.m. because someone already has dibs to watch the Bears game. If you do decide to take the path already traveled by someone with pre-existing dibs on the TV room,  whip up some snacks. Probably enough for like five or six people in addition to however much you want for yourself. Join them, and appreciate that you have the best TV they could find on campus. 


Sharing is a virtue. As Venus races a bunch of asteroids that are hot on her tail, you too may feel that you’re racing to use up all your toothpaste before the person whom you suspect might also be using it finishes it up. Slow down, and take stock of what’s important. Go buy more toothpaste at CVS, preferably with that new gum and enamel repair formula. Send that toothpaste out into the universe as good vibes and expect to find less bloody floss floating in your toilet. 


Cancer is the sexiest of all the zodiac signs, which means a threesome is probably in your future. Don’t overthink it. Pick your roommate with the hottest friend with benefits, and jump into bed with them! Remember that the man is always the center and therefore deserves the most attention, and feel free to bring a friend! What is a threesome if not an unbalanced foursome? Hell, bring the whole sorority. I’ll show them who the real BMOC is.


You’re beginning to get frustrated cleaning up all the dishes in the sink that you know aren’t yours, but keep at it! A cluttered sink is a cluttered soul. Take pride in the space that you live in, and don’t waste your good qi getting angry at your roommates and their occasional guests for making the place a mess. Remember that each dirty plate is a testament to how welcomed you make your guests feel, and congratulate yourself for that, but definitely make sure you clean it up.


You will be asked to harness your internal power Wednesday night when your roommate’s squeaking bed keeps you up for hours the night before your Orgo exam. Allow the rhythmic squeaking to sing you to sleep, and appreciate the fact that the rhythm is, actually, perfect. Be thankful that you can’t hear the moans and masculine grunts from your room, because there are a lot.


There is a time for words and a time for action. You’ve been spending the past few months debating if you should tell your roommate that the guy she’s hooking up with is a total asshole, but now is neither the time for words nor action. Let them find happiness in each other, and you too will find happiness in knowing that you didn’t blue ball an innocent man. “Complicity” is a hot-button word nowadays; learn from the mistakes of so many before you. Keep your mouth shut, and let them do what they’re going to do anyway.


You’ve been going through a lot ever since someone left the door open by accident and allowed your cat to escape. It’s been about two weeks now, and everyone other than you has accepted that the cat is probably dead or has a new, better home (most likely up in the sky where dead bodies go). Open your heart to love again, and get a new pet. Preferably a dog this time. Like something huge that scares little children on the street. Remember that dogs are a lot of work, and you’re going to have to do all of it by yourself, so don’t register for too many classes next semester. The dog I have in mind is needy as fuck.


Happy birthday, Sagittarius! You’re in for a nasty surprise when you go to look for that giant bottle of champagne that your parents sent you for your 21st birthday. Know that the person who drank it had no idea that that $200 bottle of champagne was for a special occasion, and dull the pain with a couple crates of Andre. It will all taste the same when you’re drunk anyway.


Communication is a two-way street, Capricorn. Don’t fly into a rage without listening to the other party’s totally valid excuses first. You’re hot-headed and stubborn, but you’ve been mad about this missing cat for like two weeks now, and what is that anger getting you? It wasn’t even your own cat. Stop pointing the finger of blame and apologize to those whom you might have hurt on one of your typical Claudia rampages. Sorry, I meant typical Capricorn rampages. I think that whoever let the cat out has already atoned more than enough by writing some dumb fluff piece for your magazine. It’s time to let it go and slip back into the blissful waters of ambivalence. 


You are the only chill person in your house, Aquarius, but even you may be moved to anger and confrontation on Tuesday when you find out that all your weed has been smoked without you there. Buy more weed, and throw in an extra q so guests won’t be forced to scavenge the leftovers on your rolling tray. Also, can you even get mad that someone stole something that you shouldn’t have legally had anyway? See how sympathetic the cops would be to that accusation; I dare you. 


Hey Jacquelyn. Your friend with benefits might seem like he’s making overtures on the rest of your house and disrespecting your roommates’ private property, but don’t make any rash decisions. It’s possible that this is the best you’re ever going to do, and you need to internalize that and believe it. At least you found a nice guy who’s willing to take time off from writing for The Statesman to help out your roommate’s obviously second-tier satire publication. Reward your man with some light butt stuff, and Jupiter’s orbit will rain bountiful harvests on your crops or something.