Breaking: Acme Shelves Empty After People Buy Groceries
Acme Supermarket’s University City location was left devastated after an average flow of grocery shoppers on Wednesday afternoon.
District Manager Kristen Lewis condemned what she called “an appalling display of greed,” citing customers who dared to purchase eggs, cereal, and even a single bag of spinach. “We had someone with eleven items whom we had to move out of the express lane,” Lewis said, shaking her head. “Eleven. At that point, it’s just hoarding.”
By 3 p.m., witnesses reported that all bread, milk, paper towels, ground turkey, ramen, eggs, bananas, broccoli, and Celsius had “vanished into the ether,” leaving customers to seek out other options. Some trekked east to Heirloom Market or Trader Joe’s, while others reluctantly justified paying $15 for Sweetgreen for the fourth night in a row.
When asked how such a shortage could occur, Lewis vaguely cited “COVID” and insisted Acme had taken steps to prevent this from happening again, before projecting full restocks “sometime in 2027, give or take.” Sources confirm those “steps” consisted of putting up a laminated sign that reads Limit 2 per Customer next to an already empty shelf.
In the meantime, local officials offered “thoughts and prayers” to those affected. Former Penn President Amy Gutmann was later spotted with a camera crew at Huntsman Hall, ceremonially lobbing rolls of paper towels and toilet paper into the crowds gathered at the base of the escalators.
