As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight. 

Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.

Missed out last weekend? Need a quick study break? Head on out back to the Academic Research Building!

A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.

Boston? Is that in Massachusetts? 

ABG? I think one of my friends interned there last summer.

 Through candid conversation, a consensus emerges: we should have affirmative action for rich people.

The renewed controversy comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.

 “Your English is almost as good as mine!” noted Philadelphia native Lily Gretcher.

“Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied.

Two authors offer compelling viewpoints regarding the ongoing UC Townhomes controversy. 

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.

 “Long live Xi Jinping Thought!” proclaimed Liz Magill.

55% of the freshman class identifies as BIPOC (Businesspeople, Investors, People of Capital).