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Ted Kwee-Bintoro


Breaking: The Weather is Beautiful and Nothing Could Go Wrong This Week

Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be.

OP-ED: Sorry I Took That $90k. It Went to a Better Cause.

As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight. 

Has This Generation Gone Too Soft? Not Me, Thanks to Himsᵀᴹ

Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.

SPONSORED: Class Board 2026 Offering Free Professional Backshots in ARB This Saturday

Missed out last weekend? Need a quick study break? Head on out back to the Academic Research Building!

Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy

A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.

OP-ED: Oh, You Go To School Just Outside of Boston? Like, Tufts?

Boston? Is that in Massachusetts? 

Op-Ed: What the Hell is an ABG?

ABG? I think one of my friends interned there last summer.

After SFFA v. Harvard, What’s Next for Affirmative Action at Penn? We Asked Two White Guys and the Daughter of a Shanghainese Billionaire

 Through candid conversation, a consensus emerges: we should have affirmative action for rich people.

Amid Penn Biden Center Controversy, University Denies It is Housing Chinese Students

The renewed controversy comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.

Penn Student's English Quite Good for a New Jerseyite

 “Your English is almost as good as mine!” noted Philadelphia native Lily Gretcher.

Local Chinese Couple Discover They Are From Neighboring Provinces of Rhode Island and Connecticut

“Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied.

Counterpoints: "Penn Must Contend with its Complicated Legacy of Displacement" vs. "Sucks to Suck, That's the Free Market"

Two authors offer compelling viewpoints regarding the ongoing UC Townhomes controversy. 

Penn Tops "Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni" List for Third Year in a Row

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 

Magill Announces Fossil Fuel Divestment, Crosses Fingers Behind Her Back

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 

Heartbreaking: Local Frat Brother Remains Blissfully Unaware That His Life Will Peak in 17 Hours and 21 Minutes

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.

Chinese Politburo Ranks Penn Second for Ideological Orthodoxy After Peking University

 “Long live Xi Jinping Thought!” proclaimed Liz Magill.

Diversity Win! Class of 2026 Most Diverse Cohort of High-Net-Worth Individuals

55% of the freshman class identifies as BIPOC (Businesspeople, Investors, People of Capital).