Kristi Noem Mistakes Pardoned Turkey for Dog, Shoots it

WASHINGTON D.C.– This Sunday, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem shot and killed Butterball, an 18-pound turkey, moments after President Trump pardoned the bird on the White House South Lawn. Butterball’s death marks the first pardoned turkey fatality since the tradition’s advent in 1963, under the Kennedy Administration. 

Noem, who stood behind Trump, seemed at ease during the ceremony. At the event’s conclusion, staffers began to exit the lawn, at which point Butterball began to flap and squawk in typical turkey fashion. 

Upon hearing the commotion, Noem turned and retrieved a Glock from a concealed holster in her dress pants. Seconds later, she discharged her weapon, killing Butterball instantly. 

The Secret Service rushed Trump and his staffers into the West Wing, where Noem could be heard yelling an apology for firing without warning.

“I’m sorry! I thought it was a dog,” she said. “It could’ve attacked the president.” 

As of Sunday night, the White House has not responded to Under the Button’s request for comments.