In my dreams came a vision, a predilection, a revelation rather, of a longstanding positive corelation between old white women with pixie cuts, and cruelty. In this exposé, I shall present to readers photo exhibits and real-life images of what I mean when I say old white women with pixie cuts are evil evil creatures, brought upon the earth to poison us with their thoughts and actions.
Exhibit A: Amy Wax
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Amy wax, depicted above, is known to all. Her hair is a metaphysical reflection of her ideologies. She did not choose to artificially dye it white. She simply was headstrong in her convictions: her hatred for black and brown and yellow hues desaturated her hair from said colors and turned it grey and white.
Exhibit B: Ghislaine Maxwell
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Do not let her teddy bear-brown eyes and gentle smile fool you. This haircut was given to her by her team of teenage stylists. As for her hair color, it is natural as well: dark deep vladimir black undoubtedly due to her evil brain’s evil machinations’ evil liquid spurring through the hair follicles and drenching the strands of fibre thus.
Exhibit C: Professor Esmeralda Poofenplotz
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Esmeralda Poofenplotz is the one who confirmed my theorem. Since childhood, the media has been warning us about the dangers of old white women with pixie cuts. They’ve primed us to see it — and now, I see it. Her attempts at world domination involved finding and hoarding the best hairspray ever. No wonder her hair looks like pho congealed and wrapped up in the toxic chemicals. Thankfully, Agent Pinky will gnaw on it and rip the devil out that haircut.
Exhibit D: My (almost) kidnapper
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The devil herself. On a trip to South Africa, my sister and I, 11 and 10 years old respectively, dressed in cute matching Ms. Stubborn fuschia hoodies, were stopped by this lady driving by in her mint-colored Volkswagen Golf bedecked with ‘One Love’ and rainbow Peace sign stickers. She walked out, arms wide open to embrace my sister and I: “What beautiful children you have,” she said to my dad, not once taking her eyes away from us. After inquiring about where we were from, and after my dad mistook the lady as just “some old granny with loving intentions to care for children,” she insisted: “Oh, gosh, such beautiful children, they’re so cute, LET ME TAKE THEM TO DINNER.” She pointed to her beautiful little car, and even she compared her pixie cut, which was dyed teal, pink, and orange, to my sister’s pixie cut, “aw you and I look just the same.” NO YOU WITCHY WHITE HAG WITH THE DEVIL'S HAIRCUT , YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY CHILDREN — as I am sure my dad thought right the instant that lady opened her car door to show my sister in. We were saved, by our papa, god bless him, and god damn the evil old white women with pixie cuts.
