“Aw Man”: Penn Student Not Sure What to Do About Epstein Files
REPORT: Penn freshman Daniel Smith (C’27) recently announced he’s not sure what he’s gonna do about the Epstein files. This revelation came after his morning Twitter scroll, where Daniel learned an evil syndicate of billionaires were having sex with/ dismembering/ eating children for decades, photographing much of it. Daniel also discovered that Epstein may have caused the 2008 recession, along with Brexit, which he remarked was "also bad."
Alarmed, Daniel decided to attend a local protest. After five minutes of protesting, he went home feeling “kind of bad about the whole world.”
A recent survey conducted by Under The Button found this attitude common amongst Penn students, who reportedly suffer from a lack of interest in pursuing anything they formerly cared about. Under the Button is happy to report Daniel submitted three applications on Handshake before he went to bed.
To further probe this issue, Under the Button has reconvened our Comedy Think Tank (CTT), which famously blew apart online discourse by reaching conclusions such as 9/11 was bad, the Holocaust was bad, and the Titanic sinking was bad. Thanks to a generous grant from funder Marc Rowan, we are getting to work on Jeffrey Epstein— having found inconclusive evidence on anything bad happening in Gaza.
Preliminary findings show the issue is not as clear as Daniel Smith made it out to be. In other words, he lied to us and Marc. In fact, there’s a great deal of grey area, and many people are jumping to conclusions, which, we will note, is very dangerous when it comes to billionaires and pedophilia.
CTT would further like to comment that we find it genuinely shocking the public would misinterpret the Epstein files so wrongly as to indict Apollo Global Management CEO, the Sinister University Puppet Master and Baron of the Gaza Strip Marc Rowan as a participant in untoward activities. CTT's benefactor has a shimmering public record of service, as demonstrated by his diverse philanthropic interests. Stay tuned for more updates from CTT.
UPDATE: Under The Button received a tip from Wharton sophomore Eric Moneybags (W’26), who saw a certain high-value Nepotism Baby sitting in front of him in MONY 1200 searching his father’s name in the DOJ Epstein files website. While Eric was formulating plans to network, he noticed the NB’s father was only mentioned thrice in the entire index.
He told Under the Button this afternoon, “In my opinion, a person is only useful in a networking context if their dad has at least ten mentions in the Epstein files.”
