Phone Addicted Math Major Good At Reel Analysis


Danya Dzebissov, a junior pursuing a mathematics degree within the College of Arts and Sciences, has recently distinguished himself in a field his professors have yet to formally recognize: reel analysis.

Jane Street Capital, the quant trading firm known for recruiting Penn's most special students, reached out to Dzebissov last Thursday. To discuss internship opportunities, yes, but not in the traditional sense. They decided to extend him the offer of "Reel Analyst”, a position, sources confirm, that Jane Street created specifically for him.

"I just kept watching them," said Dzebissov, who has completed coursework in real analysis, measure theory, and abstract algebra, as well as having watched nearly a million Instagram Reels. "And then it hit me. The algorithm, it's actually like a mathematical equation. Made by Instagram, and it recommends me things."

Dzebissov reports that he arrived at this insight approximately seven hours into a doomscroll session, pausing after scrolling from a reel of a skeleton hitting his shield to one of a rooster screaming loudly from atop a tree. He was on the toilet, and shot upwards, counterbalanced only by the equal and opposite force of a massive turd leaving his anus.


At the press conference, Dzebissov had LaTeXed a formal proof that the set of reels he had watched was both open and closed, which he described as "a little concerning, topologically speaking.”