Apple Screen Time to Include Time Spent Repressing Homosexual Thoughts

Upon reviewing feedback from customers and critics, Apple has decided to roll out extra features and analytics for their screen time notification function. While utilizing new Neuralink™ technology, Apple is now able to categorize and catalogue time spent thinking, eating, breathing, etc. 

At the forefront of these new features, Apple is showcasing this new technology by analyzing the time you spend repressing your gay thoughts. 

“Yeah, so like, thinking about kissing your roommate,” Apple CEO Tim Cook explained, “or picturing yourself as one of those hockey players in that show—those are examples of things our UI will take note of.”

Users that reach a certain cap of time gay thinking will find that Apple will notify them that they are homosexual. “Yeah like,” Apple CEO Tim Cook explained further, “I mean if you’re reaching, like, more than two hours? You’re gay. Like plain and simple, we’re just letting you know. That’s what we do at Apple. We let you know if you are gay.” 

“Me personally,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said unprompted, “I’m at about like seven hours? But that’s just because I’ve been with the team thinking about what could be considered a gay thought. Usually, I’m like sub-four hours. I ain’t repressin’ shit tho, youknowwhatimsaying?” Apple CEO Tim Cook concluded while wagging his tongue and dapping me up.