Penn Student Rewarded With Failing Midterm Grade After Terrible Day
“Today was the worst day that I’ve ever had in my entire career at Penn. My mother called me and asked to connect emotionally (I really don’t have time for that). Then, I asked my situationship (who I woke up next to in my high-rise twin bed after he asked to meet up at 1:37 a.m. last night) if he wanted to go to my mid-tier business fraternity’s Mai Tai as an option for another girl, and he actually agreed. So much for loyalty tests these days for men who aren’t explicitly loyal to you, am I right? After that devastating news, I went to Pret and paid $10.09 for a soggy paper straw that almost broke in half whilst delivering a refreshing taste of watered down coffee and oat milk and two pumps of vanilla syrup to my mouth—plus a chocolate cookie because I don’t have any self-control when it comes to dessert and it makes me feel really guilty about letting myself go, as my mother would say. Keep in mind, hey, I’m still talking here, this was just during the one hour after I woke up. Is your mind blown or what?
So then, when I got to my 10:15 a.m. class, where I learn nothing and just drool all over my laptop because I’m a mouth breather, I made sure to make eye contact with no one and felt really really bad about where I’ve ended up compared to the illustrious dreams of my former high school self. I’m an economics major by the way, but I’ve been slowly deciding to switch to PPE as the weeks go on. That would really make me feel like a loser. Did you know I was pre-med when I first got to Penn? I then got a terrible lunch at Houston Hall where I coffee chatted the most annoying person ever but had to suck up to them because of some big corporate reason. Therefore, I told this person, who I made small talk conversation with over my love for B2B SaaS, that I really appreciated their time and I had a great time sharing a box of raw chicken tenders with them.
On the way to my final class of the day I: one, tripped over a brick in front of the Phi Delta x Alpha Phi Pie a Phi fundraiser and subsequently got pied instead; two, interrupted a Kite and Key tour after getting pied, a Kite and Key tour that was being run by a guy with whom I DFMO’d at the Crows 2 a.m. party my first NSO and who I pretend doesn’t exist anymore; and three, ran into the bitch who backstabbed me and took away my only hope for platonic female friendship at this university because she spread a rumor that I got herpes from showering in said Crows 2 a.m. DFMO’s Gregory College House bathroom,” said the dumb bitch who just got a Canvas notification that they just failed the second midterm of ECON 2100.
