High Rises to Replace Walls With Large Sheets of Copy Paper

Penn’s Residential Services recently announced that all walls in the High Rise Buildings will now be replaces with large sheets of copy paper in a new initiative to “foster closeness and bringing the community together”.

Student reactions have been mixed: “My roommate has guys come over to hook-up and I just wanted to be a little closer to her to make sure that she’s ok and doesn’t need anything, plus I can't really sleep unless I can feel the outline of a beefy beefy man next to me through the walls,” says an anonymous student.  

Penn Residential Serviced stated that it was able to gain all of the materials for this new renovation by further slashing the student body printing budget to $0.05 per semester. 

Additionally, Architecture students from the Weitzman School of Design have run extensive tests on the integrity of these new walls and have found that the structural soundness of the high rises has shockingly increased by 18.7%. "We ran the numbers 15 times and like, I don't know how it went up. Yeah, I'm lowkey as confused as you are." said Bob Builder (WSD '28), the investigation lead.

The renovation is currently under way and is due for completion next week. Students living in the high rises have been temporarily relocated to ancient panopticon underneath Gregory College House. To ensure a smooth transition to this structural change, Penn Residential Services has launched guidelines for students, including "not breathing too wet" and a strict ban on all wall twerking.