Harrison Roaches Now Qualify for Financial Raid

The University of Pennsylvania’s Office of Pest Control (OPC) on Tuesday announced a $20,000 gift from local bus celebrity Top Dog Law to purchase extra-powerful Raid for Harrison College House. The generous donation will supply the dorm with five years’ worth of extermination.

The OPC released a statement expressing their thanks to Top Dog and outlining their plans for the coming year.

“We are so grateful to be able to provide financial Raid to 100% of roaches in Harrison,” it read in part. “We can’t wait to make our rounds on all 24 floors>”

Owls brother and Harrison resident Theo Gardon was shocked to discover the insects on his table last week after leaving a half-eaten order of Dave’s Hot Chicken out overnight. 

“There were like fifteen roaches surrounding the box. It was fucking crazy”, said Gardon. “Thank god I woke up at 2PM. Who knows how many would’ve been there if I slept in.”

While Gardon admittedly spends most of his time in his additional off-campus apartment  in The Chestnut, he’s glad to see the university taking steps to remove the pests.

“I guess it’s probably good for normal people that they’re getting rid of them,” he said.

Not all residents of the dorm are pleased with the changes. Chew Smacky, a 17th-generation Harrison resident, says he’s annoyed by the prospect of having to avoid the deadly substance. Still, he’s confident the roach community will continue to prosper. 

“I’ve woken up in a pool of peach-scented Purell hand sanitizer and had it for breakfast,” said Smacky. “We're gonna keep fighting for our spot underneath the table. You’re not getting rid of us anytime soon.”