Yay! All Electric Scooters Just Exploded at the Same Time
On October 5th at 1:36 pm, every electric scooter in the world exploded, killing 49 Penn students (48 athletes, 1 kinda weird NARP) instantly and injuring dozens more. Thousands of innocent passers-by witnessed the explosive event, especially since it occurred during a crucial 15-minute period between classes that end at 1:30 and classes that start at 1:45.
The explosion led to minutes of campus-wide distress and mourning, including an impromptu vigil on Shoemaker Green with football-shaped candles and empty bottles of muscle milk. However, once students realized this would make their commute to class slightly less dangerous, they moved on with their days as usual.
Ever since, Penn’s campus has been overtaken by a calm and pleasant energy. The birds are chirping. The sun is shining. Students are walking down Locust without immediate fear for their safety. While roughly ten students are still grieving, the rest of us are doing just fine.
The cause of the mass explosion remains unknown, but several students have developed theories.
“Maybe the scooters got wet,” said Michael Riviera (ENG ‘29).
“God smited them,” said Sylvio Turpin (CAS ‘27).
Those are really the only theories so far, and nobody is looking into it further.
