Big Toe Lonely After Human Starts Wearing Tabis

I’m sure you’ve seen them, we all have. And I’m sure you couldn’t look away. 

The Tabi: a shoe split in the middle. A cry for help or a bold fashion choice? 

But after a recent interview with a big toe, I’ve come to realize how cruel the Tabi is. “We used to play ‘This Little Piggy,’ but now I spend hours alone,” said Hal, a big toe. “The Tabi is the worst thing to our family of five.” 

Since the release of the modern Tabi, big toes all around the world have reported a 75% increase in MBTDD (commonly known as Major Big Toe Depressive Disorder). Big toes cite symptoms of sadness, anger, and feelings of worthlessness. They seek answers to this solitary confinement, but find none. 

I myself wonder: what kind of person do you have to be to subject your own toes to this kind of misery? A sadist? A masochist? I mean, it depends, do you consider your toes a part of your own being? Hal would argue, yes, he is just as much a part of you, as you are. 

Sadly, Hal says he long ago gave up hope of being reunited with his other digits. “Last time I was out, I tried to let my human know just what it's like. But all she did was clip me over the trashcan. Afterwards, it was right back into that godforsaken shoe.” 

For other halleces, like Hal, this isn’t just an avant-garde fashion trend. It’s isolation. It’s days of agony and loneliness. It’s a fleshy life confined between two pieces of leather and a rubber sole. It’s toe-tal cruelty.