Wharton Students to Get Full Access to Pornhub Premium.

Philadelphia, PA -- In a message this past Monday, Wharton Dean Kristina Middleton sanctioned the integration of Pornhub Premium across the Wharton student body. This decision was pushed by Wharton professors, who acknowledged a consumption of porn among the student body “We couldn't help but notice this massive, gaping demand in this market that was just begging to be penetrated. We must take responsibility.” said Wharton professor Joe Johnson. 

Upon confirmation from the Wharton Board of Trustees, Wharton Dean broke the news to the community: “We see this as a valuable expansion to our holistic curriculum. Students will now be able to learn and apply concepts of Pump & Dump, Hard Assets, Balloon Payments, Straddles & Strangles, and more. The finance world has long been entrenched with this; it's about time Wharton caught up."  

UTB sat down with Dean Middleton for a short Q&A:

How will you pay for this?

We will be reallocating first generation low income (FGLI) funding to this initiative as part of a zero-sum capital rotation endeavor. 

Will the rest of the Penn community soon reap these same benefits?

We offered SEAS to be a part of this program, but they politely declined. They mentioned something about having enough Codex Credits to generate their own porn. As for College, we feel they know enough about getting fucked by the Penn system. 

Pornhub Premium joins Wharton’s growing list of complimentary amenities, including free Claude subscriptions, free printing, and free grades. Within just a few days of its implementation, Pornhub Premium has seen a massive adoption rate amongst Wharton users, with over 90% reportedly spending 2+ hours per day on the website, which they now also use as a replacement for Canvas.