OFSL Instagram Plant Actually Really Nice Guy

It all started last week, when “Sarah Rosenberg” requested to follow me on Instagram. Maybe I should have been thrown off by the fact that she only had 3 followers and her only post was a vaguely AI-generated photo of a hydrangea bush captioned #summerdayzzzz #easthampton #upennsororityrush, but she was wearing a Jewish star necklace in her profile picture and her bio read “NYC & UPenn ‘30,” so obviously I requested her back for reasons completely unrelated to my sorority affiliation.

Within 5 minutes she dm’d me: “heyyyy girlie!! what house r u in ?!!!” 

I just loved her enthusiasm!! “Hiiii do u want to grab pret tmrw? Wld love to get to know u,” I responded, again for reasons completely unrelated to my sorority affiliation. She said yes, but that she had to tell me something important first. That’s when I found out that Sarah Rosenberg is actually a 41-year-old man named Kevin who works for the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life.

“Can we still get coffee though?” Kevin replied after disclosing his identity. “Janae keeps me cooped up in here 13 hours a day with nothing but a pile of leftover Beta Barn wristbands to chew on and I could really use some fresh air and maybe some food.”

At Pret the next day, I learned all about the middle-aged man behind the dirty blonde Jewish freshman from the New York metropolitan area. Kevin has three cats, a distaste for habanero peppers, and hasn’t felt the loving embrace of a woman in six years! He told me OFSL pays him in scrap metal made from confiscated Natty Light cans, so I had to pay for his coffee, but honestly, I didn’t mind.

I know this sounds crazy, but Kevin is actually a really nice guy. I’m even taking him to my date night next week! He told me he was “soooo excited for the open bar and how old are all of your members and will you have more than 100 people present?” 

Isn’t he so silly?