Op-Ed: Squash Players Don’t Need Scooters

I’m sick and tired of all these weird European kids zooming by me on Spruce. Why do they deserve scooters? As they storm up dust on the way to our 7:30 pm recitation in DRL, I see for a split second the tag on their backpack: Penn Squash. The hell? Athletes playing a game literally named after a gourd? Ridiculous. In honor of this, I’ve compiled a list of athletes who do NOT need scooters. 

1). Track athletes who run. Any distance at all

Your whole job is literally to walk. But faster.

2). Fencers

Fake sport

3). Sailors

See above

4). Rowing, but only lightweight

Heavies have lot more weight for the body to support. Understandable.

5). Golf

We have a golf team?

6). Football

We have a football team?

7). Squash 

Look, not gonna lie, I don’t even know what squash is. But if their players have enough time to thug out Gen Chem, they have enough time to walk there.