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If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?

(02/15/22 2:43pm)

It’s a Tuesday afternoon. You make the hajj to the fourth floor of College Hall, devastatingly winded by the act of walking up more than one flight of stairs. You are so eager to learn whatever it is this class is about that fulfills the history & traditions sector. The moment you walk into class, you are greeted by your certified DILF (or GILF, if we are being precise): Dr. Albert Bernard, who is flicking the lights on and off in an attempt to turn on the projector.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2022/02/professor-old-why-sexy

Justice Served! Penn to Implement “28 Strikes and You’re Out” Policy Towards Racially Insensitive Professors

(02/08/22 9:00am)

Tenured Carey law professor Amy Wax has received multiple complaints after making a series of racist comments beginning as early as 2017. This has sparked outrage amongst those in the Penn community, and a petition calling for her to be fired has accumulated nearly 80,000 signatures.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2022/02/amy-wax-racist-28-strikes-penn

OP-ED: They Should Just Stack the High Rises on Top of Each Other

(02/02/22 11:40pm)

If there’s one thing I love about the University of Pennsylvania, it’s the high rises. Nothing screams Ivy League like 25 beige stories studded with sparsely dispersed windows, adding some much-needed cement to the historical West Philly landscape. The high rises are truly an outstanding architectural feat, and it’s no wonder second-year students are eager to pay $15,418 for a breathtaking view—either of the Philadelphia skyline or of one of the other high rises.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2022/02/utb-high-rises-stack-elevators-campus-harnwell-rodin

Productivity Win! Student Finishes One Third of Assignment and Takes Sexy Mirror Pic

(01/28/22 5:37pm)

Slay! Sophie Walsh (C’23) spoke with UTB about her productive study session last Sunday.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2022/01/sexy-mirror-pic-productivity

Masturbation Marathon! My Roommate Is in the Shower

(11/05/21 8:43pm)

I lie across the room, in bed,

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/11/masturbation-marathon-roommate-shower-poetry

Penn Marriage Pact Finds 76% of Undergraduate Student Body to be Unloveable

(11/01/21 3:39pm)

This past week, thousands of lonely undergrads desperately filled out the Penn Marriage Pact, an algorithm-based service intended to match up compatible students. The form asked a variety of questions, ranging from gender preference to abortion stance.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/11/penn-marriage-pact-undergraduate-unloveable

New Waste Reduction Initiative Requires Students to Eat Out of Dining Hall Workers’ Cupped Hands

(10/08/21 7:51pm)

Penn’s sustainability team recently unveiled a new waste reduction plan that will require all students to eat their meals directly out of the hands of the dining hall staff.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/10/waste-reduction-dining-hall-cupped-hands

Wow! Most Privileged Motherfuckers in Country Find Some New Shit to Complain About

(10/05/21 10:24pm)

A recent survey found that Penn students, as expected, are back on their bullshit. We asked some of these Ivy Leaguers what pressing campus issues needed to be addressed.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/10/privileged-motherfuckers-shit-complain

Misogynist? This Male Professor Assigns Female Students Homework

(10/04/21 3:19pm)

Gender equality activists were appalled to learn that a male professor, who shall remain unnamed, has been assigning homework to the female students in his class.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/10/misogynist-professor-female-homework

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