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Dad Checks Watch, Longs for WWII Podcast He Saved for Ride Home From Family Weekend

(11/14/22 5:45pm)

“Damn, still got at least a half hour left,” Adam Penner, Penn dad and self-proclaimed “history buff,” muttered under his breath in between rounds of flip cup. At that point, Adam was enduring his sixth hour at Penn and ninth hour of “family time” that day. "That is," he continues, gesturing to Mrs. Penner, “if you count the three hour car ride with Drinky Von-Pees-A-Lot.”

They’ve Gone Too Far: The Penntrification of Northeast Philadelphia

(11/17/22 5:19pm)

BUSTLETON AVENUE, PHILADELPHIA, PA – Hi Penn, I’m standing here outside of what used to be the “Broken Bones, Broken Hearts” Animal Shelter in Northeast Philly. And I have grave news. Just minutes ago, this building and all of the dogs, cats, bunnies, and other pets who lived here were blown up like helpless passengers on a plane crashing into a volcano. 

Damn: Insufferable Rich Kid Actually Pretty Drippy

(11/21/22 6:08pm)

“Damn, he does have that drip though,” I thought to myself as I walked past him on Locust. This guy... kinda sucks. For one, he is always talking to his friends during our lecture and it makes it hard for me to hear what our professor is saying. Not only that, but he has friends in our lecture! What a tool. I think he is in one of the cool fraternities, and to be honest he is probably more goated than I am. Furthermore, I heard him talking to his endless friends about his PS5. I want a PS5!

Stupid Girl at Berghain Doesn’t Understand Going to Penn Kind of a Big Deal Where I’m From

(11/07/22 4:23pm)

I’m there. Wow. We made it in. Having such a great time at Berghain. There is dancing, there are drinks, people seem to be enjoying themselves. These characteristics make me feel safe and comfortable to enjoy myself, and I am feeling inspired to rizz. My friends go to the bar for round two, and I am momentarily stranded. That’s okay, I can pivot. I ask two girls where they are from, they say Montreal. Never heard of it, but it sounds interesting. Foreign, to say the least.

Dude Who Is Already A Fifth-Year Senior Can't Wait For Homecoming Next Year

(10/26/22 1:13pm)

Danny McBride (C ‘22 → C ‘23) is an impassioned fifth year student of three very important things: Philosophy, Politics, and Economics. Danny loves the advantages that come with being a fifth year senior. He is super tight with his landlord, for instance, as they are going on their third year of quasi-friendship. As Danny advances towards adulthood, he just relates to Desmond the landlord more and more. “It’s like, these four-year college kids are just so crazy, man. No one else gets that,” Danny relayed to me in a phone conversation as he sprinted to catch the last couple minutes of his lecture. The pair make bulk alcohol purchases, experiment with different sweatpants/socks/sandals combos, and watch war documentaries together. 

You Might Remember Us: We Went to Frat Thing, Who Cares?

(11/03/22 6:30pm)

Hey, it’s Jett and Maura. We know what you’re thinking: Jett and who??? Well, Maura is the girl from the UTB mega-viral Instagram takeover last week. She is pretty cool, she went to [REDACTED] date night with me (Jett), and she is in Wharton although you never would have guessed it but that’s how things work at the University of Pennsylvania so maybe you would have guessed it.

Proposed Biopond Expansion Delayed Due to Lack of Portable, Ready-Made Biopond Cubes At Home Depot

(10/27/22 4:11pm)

Ahh, the Biopond. A staple of Penn life for some, a sequestered land of mystery for others. Present day, this beautiful enclave provides many with a respite from the hustle and bustle of Penn. But that was not always the case. Recent data (the Penn Biopond Instagram account) shows that the popularity of the space has grown significantly in the last few years. Interestingly, its surge in usage correlates positively with the 2018 Pennsylvania-wide legalization of medical marijuana, but experts don’t really know what to make of that. Correlation ≠ causation I guess. 

Clueless Mom Fails to Comprehend That Glow Party Takes Precedent Over Home-Cooked Meal

(10/17/22 4:48pm)

BENSALEM, PA – Barbara White, mom of three and self-proclaimed “proud Penn parent”, was thoroughly disappointed last weekend when her eldest son Jake (C ‘26) no-showed their scheduled Saturday evening family dinner. The chicken was roasted, the pie was baked, the potatoes mashed, and the table set. The son, however, was hammered. 

Emotional Scene: On-Campus Fraternity Brothers Disheartened as Their Party Overlooked by Fun Police

(10/20/22 4:38pm)

This past Friday was like any other at the University of Pennsylvania, with frat parties raging all hours of the night across campus. As most Penn socialites downed mixed drinks, snorted coke off of their half-naked friends, and danced the night away, those attending a certain on-campus fraternity’s “Sip the Rainbow” party did nothing of the sort.