UTB Extends Their Spring Stay (with DMT!)
(03/24/21 1:56am)
UTB gets creative with their drug use to expand their Spring Stay.
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UTB gets creative with their drug use to expand their Spring Stay.
UTB does its part to support our democracy.
This student is spending his quarantine at the Wii Sports Resort.
At a blistering 36.74 seconds, UTB has just broken the world record for getting blocked by Irresponsible at Penn.
The ongoing pandemic has affected people all over the world, but no one seems to have been hit quite as hard as the Travelocity Gnome. Due to intense travel restrictions, Travelocity has been forced to make cutbacks, including laying off their spokesperson, the famous globetrotting garden gnome.
While many are disappointed by the looming prospect of attending school in the Fall and not being allowed to massage loins with complete strangers on the dance floor, one member of the Penn community is actually quite pleased. The words “Hallelujer!” echoed through the Church belfry as Pastor Smith, Head of Penn’s Christian Association, rejoiced in the news of a socially-distanced fall.
In order to showcase national pride, Penn president, Amy Gutmann, decided to host the first, and potentially last, Annual University of Pennsylvania 4th of July Firework Spectacular Sponsored by Bud Light. “I was just looking to bring the Penn community closer together and what better way to do that than shooting off unregulated C4 into the sky while drinking America’s favorite beer!” Gutmann stated, as she guzzled a beer bong dry and proceeded to pack College Green with pyrotechnics.
This week, beloved dean of admissions, Eric Furda, announced that he will be resigning from the University. Known for his generosity, Furda felt compelled to give back and pass on a little part of himself to his replacement. “I’m outta here bitches!” Furda screamed as he took an upper decker in the private admissions office bathroom. For the unsophisticated reader, an upper decker is the charitable act of pooping into the tank of a toilet.
It’s coming people! Earlier this week Sony held a massive reveal for their upcoming PlayStation 5 console. Many fans dreamed of the long-awaited announcement of the next installment in the Grand Theft Auto Franchise, Grand Theft Auto Six. What they got, however, was something just as good, maybe even better.
It’s finally happened. I am happy to report that I have met the woman of my dreams while venturing into the frightening world of Tinder! Due to the on-going pandemic, I was a little worried that 2020 would be a completely sex-less year for me. Well, besides the first 3 months, of course, those months were just marathons of lovemaking. I mean I needed a little break, I’m only human.
With campuses around the country shut down this summer, the last thing the University of Pennsylvania wanted was for high school juniors to be deprived of the opportunity of hearing about how campus clubs are actually quite inclusive and not competitive at all.
After two months of nonstop phone tag with Penn Residential Services, history major Jacob Henderson (C’23) has had enough. “I mean, it’s summertime and all of my Hawaiian shirts are still in the quad. This is ridiculous!” Henderson commented. “I hate to say it, but I’m starting to think they might just be ignoring me.”
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Joseph Elston talks to the future leaders of Penn's Panhellenic societies.
spooky!
Joseph Elston goes to West & Down as the Man on the Street.
"Yo! What's up?"
*scattered applause*
UTB Sends in their Top-Rated Ghost Finder Team to DRL.
UTB took to Pool Party to investigate why no one swims in the pool.