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OP-ED: How Can I Be One of the Boys While Still Asserting My Feminine, Delicate Figure?

(09/19/22 8:11pm)

You know it, I know it, they know it – I am just one of the boys. I start each day by shot gunning a beer, throwing the can onto my unmade bed decorated with navy sheets and stiff socks, and head on down to my 10:15 class at approximately 10:45, where I promptly begin to zone out while objectifying various female classmates in my near vicinity. For lunch, I head on down to Pret where I eat 4-5 of those stupid little refrigerated sandwiches, sit outside, and continue to objectify women as they walk past me on locust. After lunch, I skip my afternoon classes, skip my club meetings, and head on down to chouse where I shotgun 2-3 more beers. I play some pong with the brothers, objectify some more women, and maybe make a few homophobic comments here and there to end the night out. 


I Fucking Hate This School! News of Distrito Closing Sophomore Girl’s Last Straw

(09/13/22 4:16pm)

Many students have been mourning the news of popular on campus Mexican restaurant, Distrito, abruptly closing down over the summer with little warning. “No, like you literally don’t understand, this is the fucking end of me. This school hates me.  Everybody hates me. It’s just so incredibly, unarguably unfair. It was my spot. No one has it worse than me right now,” says Olivia Farrington, C’ 24. 


Anonymous Sorority Welcomes Undisclosed Number of Unknown People Into New Pledge Class

(04/07/22 6:43pm)

Ah yes, the joys of second semester. The sweet bosom of spring shows us its gentle teet and gives us April rain as its milk. The warm, meaty scent of manure greeting our noses as we walk past the wondrous mulch on Locust. But most importantly, we welcome many loving and community-driven people (and yeah all of these people are super loving and community-driven literally not a single one of them isn't) to find their new sisters.  



OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles

(02/17/22 3:54pm)

Let’s set the scene—it’s a Friday night, you and your gal pals are going out to a frat party after a long week of studying the brutal condition of humans, maybe a little dancing, maybe a little drinking, maybe a little petty theft. That’s right—petty theft. You read that correctly. It’s become an adamant part of my daily routine, and it’s about to become a part of yours, too.


Fuck It—Penn to Require On-Campus Housing For-Life

(02/09/22 9:00am)

Many students were extremely disheartened following the University’s announcement almost two years ago that all sophomores will be required to live on campus now. Many argued that Penn was solely trying to “profit off of the fact that on campus housing is ridiculously expensive” and that “the new policy is forcing students to live in outdated buildings that flood,” but that’s not true! Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!


Progressive! Frats Host Anti-women’s Suffrage Fundraiser, Claiming They “Don’t Want Women to Suffer Anymore”

(02/03/22 3:00pm)

Time and time again we have seen the overt sexism, prejudice, and womanizing behavior that plagues fraternity life nationwide. It is an issue across the country, and there are countless stories of the sexism faced by college women. However, things are different here at Penn. In fact, Penn fraternities have never ever had any instance of sexism literally ever. I am definitely not being held hostage in a frat house basement right now being forced to write this article. Wink wink. Someone please save me. 




OP-ED: They Should Replace Green Passes With the Gold Star Sticker System From Preschool

(12/07/21 10:41pm)

The reason I am the strong, independent, beautiful, smart, humble woman I am today is for one reason, and one reason only - the validation I received due to the gold star sticker system of my preschool. Everyday, I would patiently wait for the teachers to announce who would receive stars that day. Could it be me? Did I, Margarita Matta, act respectfully and with grace during nap time? Did I clean up my space after going to absolute pound town on the cafeteria mac and cheese? Did I correctly count how many purple sheep were on the strangely psychedelic worksheet our teachers asked us to reference? The answer to all of these questions is yes.



OP-ED: Let’s Not Cancel Mansplaining Because I Actually Don’t Understand Anything

(11/22/21 4:55pm)

Life as a white, straight, cisgender woman at an elite private university is hard. My fragile female mind can’t handle the stress of learning concepts in this progressive world that are so obviously meant for a man. No, I don’t understand why we can’t just print more money to solve the national debt. No, I don’t know how to change a car tire. No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day. 



BREAKING! Girl Lies About Age on Fake ID

(11/11/21 4:36pm)

According to an anonymous source, over the weekend Penn Freshman Ella Williams was caught lying about her age on a fake driver’s license. Williams, a New Jersey native, claims that she “didn't do anything wrong and this is stupid that I have to sit down and interview with you guys you aren't even a real publication," in an exclusive interview with Under the Button.


OP-ED: Gender Studies Should Be a Wharton Major

(11/10/21 3:03pm)

Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies, perhaps the most highly competitive and coveted major in the College of Arts and Sciences, has become infamous for its rigor, mathematical difficulty, and heavy time-commitment. On average, only about 20 students in each grade can handle the academic rigor and long hours of studying to successfully graduate with this major. The small percentage of the student body graduating with a Gender Studies major is no doubt due to it’s difficulty and not for any other reason at all...yeah...definitely not for any other reason...




Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are

(11/02/21 3:45pm)

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you. President Gutmann has taken extreme measures to secure her youth and longevity, practices made infamous by none other than Lord Voldemort. Yes, that’s right, Amy Gutmann has 7 magical horcruxes splitting her soul and protecting her from death. Here is what I think they are:


Gutmann Shopping for Oktoberfest Outfit: 'Which Sexy Lederhosen Is Most Professional?'

(10/26/21 4:10pm)

It was a sight to see Monday afternoon after Amy Gutmann was spotted entering Spirit Halloween in Center City. Sources say she was shopping for an outfit for the popular German beer festival, "Oktoberfest." Gutmann, the University's current president, was recently appointed as the next United States ambassador to Germany, an honorable and esteemed position. In an effort to participate in German cultural practices, she will be attending Oktoberfest in Munich this coming fall. The festival is infamous for its long-standing tradition of partying and beer drinking, and this will actually be Gutmann’s 12th time in attendance. She is a self-proclaimed “beer aficionado” and has recently created a craft brew fittingly called "Beerjamin Franklin." These beers were sent in the Class of 2025 welcome packages and students were overwhelmed with appreciation.





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