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OP-ED: Penn Should Provide Greek Life Members With Security Blankie, Mommy’s Milk

(04/07/22 6:42pm)

Once upon a time, things made sense and the world was fair. No one suggested that rich people somehow ‘exploited’ the working class, I got to go on vacations to Hawaii without someone on TikTok calling me a colonizer, and, most importantly, sophomores at Penn were not required to live on campus. 

Style Tip: Make Your Outfit Sluttier by Only Wearing One Mask to Class

(02/03/22 3:01pm)

Hey besties! It’s that time of year again: cold! I know this is a rough season for all my hot girls out there. It’s cold, it’s dark, and wearing heels to a date night in the snow has officially been declared a threat to public safety. As if bundling up due to the weather isn’t bad enough, we’re constantly being pressured into covering up more and more! Suddenly it’s in the interest of “public health” and “the common good” for us to be wearing not one, but two masks.

Professor Amy Wax Responds to Sanctions by Casting 1,000 Year Curse Upon University

(01/31/22 9:41pm)

Amy Wax, Penn Law professor and youngest of the three Weird Sisters, has a history of controversy surrounding some of her public comments. Most recently Wax has claimed that the United States would be “better off with fewer Asians,” although she noticeably ignored the fact that Penn Law has claimed the school would be better off with fewer arthritic racists.

Desperate Sublet Offer Comes With Reduced Rent, Promise of First-born

(02/01/22 6:03pm)

If you are one of the hundreds of students struggling to find someone to sublet your off-campus apartment for the spring semester, you are not alone. Students planning on studying abroad in the spring have been shocked to discover that, after a year and a half away from campus and heavy travel restrictions in many overseas countries this past fall, there is practically no one who is only in need of housing for the second half of the year. A few very unhelpful economic majors have explained this as a problem with “supply and demand,” although this is a very complex topic that no one else could possibly understand.

A Trip Into Psychedelic Medicine: I Took Ketamine at a Party

(11/18/21 5:10pm)

You’re sitting on a couch at the lamest frat party you’ve ever been to. Music surrounds you, and it’s shit -- one of the brothers is playing experimental EDM from his SoundCloud. Finally, your friend approaches you and whispers something in your ear. You smile for the first time in hours and head to the bathroom, ready to snort powder off someone's phone case and enjoy your evening at last. 

A Cappella Show Review: They Just Sang the Cup Song Over and Over Again

(11/18/21 5:07pm)

Based on the number of tables full of rowdy former theater kids that have been pitched on Locust Walk for the past few weeks, it is officially performance season at Penn. This means that all 34 ½ of Penn’s various premier a cappella groups have crammed into any room on campus that could feasibly be considered a performance venue in order to show off their semester’s work to an adoring audience of family, extended family, and extremely supportive friends. 

Girl With 5 Hour Daily Screen Time Simply Does Not Have Time To Read Class Material

(10/18/21 3:15pm)

This is a really busy time in the semester. Midterms, homework, the stressful transition from your summer to fall wardrobe - it all piles up quickly. This makes it difficult to effectively manage your time between academics, extracurricular activities, your social life, and your screen addiction. Hanna (C ‘24) has been struggling with this exact problem. 

Six Outfits Warm Enough for Fall but Slutty Enough to Black Out In

(10/19/21 3:30pm)

Fall is here, and while some embrace the new season of fashion it brings, others struggle to balance their hot girl tendencies with the brutal Philadelphia chill. One of the leading causes of seasonal depression is, in fact, the cold temperatures that force all the girlies to put away their cute summer going out tops and bundle up (or risk freezing to death while waiting to get into a frat). But have no fear, hotties - this exhaustive list of fall outfits will keep you trendy, sexy, and toasty all season. 

'Good Work, Team' Says Guy in Your Recitation Who Ignored All Your Suggestions

(10/11/21 8:02pm)

One of the most beloved parts of any recitation is, of course, the breakout group. As Penn students, we are uniquely blessed with the presence of such brilliant classmates, and breakout groups offer us the opportunity to really pick their brains. After all, why discuss the readings from class with the TA, a Ph.D. student who has studied the subject for the past six years, when you could discuss it with Josh (C '24), the hungover guy sitting next to you who hasn’t opened the course Canvas page since syllabus week?