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Now, this just isn’t right! A shocking new report released last Tuesday revealed that depressed, hermetic Penn students obtain significantly higher final grades in philosophy classes than their mentally healthy counterparts.
Well, I’ll be. The boy I relentlessly bullied and tormented in high school is actually doing pretty well for himself these days.
This is insane. This morning, at the Starbucks on 34th and Walnut, I had an experience that was beyond life-changing.
In an effort to alleviate the growing humanitarian crisis in Ukraine, the University of Pennsylvania has decided to send all unused meal swipes to Ukraine in the form of soggy pizza, moldy strawberries, and overcooked meat.
On-campus housing is a debacle. It’s a struggle of push and pull. It is unfair, unequal, inequitable, and honestly cruel. Our lives are so hard. But you reading this, you don’t actually have it that bad. Imagine if your roommate snored. Imagine if you couldn’t get one lick of sleep a night because of your noisy roommate. Nightmare material. See, while the Fossil Free Penn protests were going on, there was a group that deserved a space in those tents – those who were woken up by snores. I propose a solution to this problem: Penn should start a program where they isolate snoring students in Stouffer. Snoozing Snoring Stouffer! Perfect. Hopefully they won’t disturb the Wawa employees. Five Guys is probably not opened yet solely because of all these violent noises. Disgusting...
We did it! After one grueling week of enforced mask-wearing, which was 100% effectively enforced, the pandemic has ended. The Novel Coronavirus has been eradicated, thanks to your 7 day compliance. Yay!
I'm in Theta BTW.
After a long day of bottomless coffee, homework, and professors sounding like tired and deflated trombones, I realize that I no longer have any food in my refrigerator. This is unfortunate because without food, I won’t have the energy to do the same shit again the next day.
The Penn administration issued a statement this past Wednesday regarding the state of our cherished endowment. Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy. An unnamed member of the administration was “itchin’ to make a buck” and bet 20 billion dollars on a game of UNO. After an unfortunate turn of events, and a well-timed wildcard play on the part of the opponent, The University of Pennsylvania is now left with 72 cents in the bank.
As a historical institution, the University of Pennsylvania is built on traditions and stability. Shockingly, the Penn undergraduate population reduced their use of the Student Health Services STD clinic by 15% this past school year; this is the first yearly decrease in the institution’s entire 282 year history. Campus health experts such as Doctor Lisa Gartrude suspect that welcoming of an “abundance of absolute virgins” into the class of 2025 led to this staggering decrease in sexual health clinic use. Dozens of STD clinic nurses and doctors are left with no choice but to twiddle their thumbs and pray for a resurgence of raunchy hook up culture.
Code not running? Frustrated and at wit’s end? Do not fret, my mild-mannered, STEM-minded individual — these seven spooky tips are sure to get your code up and running in no time.
In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.” This decision comes after the appointment of a new, straight president of the LGBT center, Brad Chadleyson, who replaced the former president, Stacy Layne Matthews.
Hey, you! Yes, you! I can see that you are wearing AirPods Pro (current generation) on the noise canceling setting while walking down Locust, but I still think you can hear me. I am a campus ambassador for a new app that is like other apps, but it’s just for us – Penn students. How great is that!
it happens
nostalgic asf
I recently engaged in a short tryst to the wetlands of Washington. While I was hiking(I hike), I gazed out upon the beautiful terrain upon which I found myself. Out in front of me lay a gorgeous vista, untouched by man, with such a stunning beauty one is left with no choice but to pause and absorb the raw power of nature. As I observed this serene masterpiece, the entirety of my being was taken over by a fury the likes of which this planet has never beared witness. The gushing waterfalls and towering trees pissed me off to no end, and here’s what I did about it. First, I saw this beautiful waterfall. Fuck this waterfall.
Path@Penn– I love you. I love your web-design, your labyrinthine tabs, your convoluted ways. Websites like google.com and yahoo.com never make me think. I just search for what I want, and get a response back within seconds. But with you, it’s like fighting the good fight. I have to know what I want. To find out which introductory course I should take next semester, you require some soul searching. You play hard to get. I like that.
You thought you were getting away with it, huh? Your telehealth therapist is droning on and on about how you're “exhibiting toxic behaviors to your family” and “put your roommate in serious danger” while you nod and smile, secretly playing Angry Birds on your phone. Who still plays Angry Birds anyway? But as you chime in to defend yourself because your “roommate didn’t even need 2 functional kneecaps,” you notice as he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.
real
oscillating wildly