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(09/09/21 1:39am)
The Penn community was startled this summer to find that President Amy Gutmann had been selected by the Biden Administration to be Ambassador to Germany. Exhibiting bravery characteristic of Penn’s pedagogical and civic mission, Gutmann accepted the nomination in spite of lacking any relevant political experience. Careful examination of her resume failed to produce any clear evidence of statecraft or diplomacy, two qualities crucial for managing international relations.
(09/08/21 5:53pm)
Hey girl! How’s it going? Oh my god I know right, the other night was crazy.
(09/06/21 5:22pm)
Welcome all ye peasants to the University of Pennsylvania, whether thou art a young freshman or wretched wench.
(09/15/21 12:39am)
A Message to the Penn Community
(09/06/21 5:21pm)
Dear Penn, if you really care about the student population, then you should stop giving us tote bags, and give us USB Type-A to Mini-B cables instead.
(09/07/21 2:45pm)
After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians. The conquistadores, allegedly called “Five Guys,” just overthrew the Asian establishment in a culinary coup d’état, leaving the cultured folk of University City seeking refuge.
(09/08/21 5:59pm)
Now that most classes and social interactions are taking place in person, students have found it difficult to readjust into environments where people can hear them.
(09/08/21 6:34pm)
After students were exposed to the latest breath-taking new residential building on campus, New College House West, many decided that being in the presence of such a luxurious dorm space beat out any reason to live in the high rises.
(09/07/21 2:43pm)
New College House resident, Andrew Young, was woken abruptly Thursday morning by what he thought were his own farts. He quickly made his way to the bathroom, hoping to avoid losing another mattress to the will of his bowels. Young sat atop his toilet, and pushed with all of his might, anger, and financial stress from buying 3 new mattresses in August alone, but nothing came out. “Peculiar”, Andrew said to himself with a British accent. As he pulled his trousers back up, and clipped his suspenders into place, he noticed something sticky and stinky beneath his right foot. Andrew looked down to find nothing else but another man’s poop enveloping his big toe. “My favorite toe!” Andrew shouted.
(09/20/21 2:48am)
“Manspreading” is defined as when a man sits with his legs spread wide apart in a public area in an effort to assert dominance. I have often been accused of manspreading, but as a person who is plagued with anxiety and is barely confident enough to go grocery shopping without a friend, I can assure you this is not my goal.
(08/27/21 5:51pm)
At last night's Pool Party, hundreds of Penn students eagerly waited their turn to redeem the $75-$135 they had spent for the exclusive experience of buying overpriced drinks, standing next to a pool they're not allowed to go in, and getting the Delta variant of COVID-19. Students were so eager for the experience that they swarmed the entrance in an effort to make it inside. Despite rumors that the event was oversold by over 200 tickets, the hosts of the event only had one thing to say: “If lines aren't made, no one will get in ... There's nothing we can do if you guys don't start making lines.”
(08/24/21 10:37pm)
Over the next week, thousands of students will descend upon the hallowed halls of Penn’s historic campus to experience the totality of the Ivy League experience. Gothic architecture, rarefied senior societies, and a raging superiority complex are just a few of the amenities in store for this next wave of scholars. Despite the upheaval and disruption wrought by the COVID-19 pandemic, which is most definitely over, Penn students displayed a commendable resilience and fortitude of spirit in navigating the tumult of online learning. However, a new school year will usher in the return of in-person learning and a return to relative normalcy. Bright eyes and fertile minds will soon populate the countless classrooms that have given us some of the most influential luminaries of past generations.
(08/24/21 10:36pm)
At the halfway point of her Penn experience, Michaela Cooper (C ’23) has decided it’s time to do some serious reflection and subsequent self-improvement. After two years, which she would classify as “pretty sub-par” and “not worth her parents taking out a second mortgage on their house,” Cooper has decided to go back to the root of her high expectations: the Thriving at Penn Canvas modules.
(08/13/21 6:59pm)
The beginning of the fall semester holds a different meaning to each student. To some, it signifies an adjustment back to school and the revival of their nudes addiction. But, to me, it simply means getting to talk to my best friend, Penn-in-Touch Two-Step Verification, again.
(08/10/21 2:05pm)
It's summertime, and that means it's time for the family road trip. After Mom packed up the cooler and Dad loaded up the trunk, my siblings and I crammed ourselves into the back of the car. This year, since everything was so uncertain, we didn't have a set itinerary. The plan was to hit the highway and drive for a while.
(08/04/21 1:09pm)
We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty. You should've received a notice in the mail about your car's extended warranty eligibility. Since we haven't gotten a response, we're giving you a final courtesy call before we close out your file and murder your whole family. Press 2 to be placed on our do-not-call list. Press 666 to speak with either Satan himself. Stop being a little bitch motherfucker, about your warranty. To talk with someone about possibly extending or reinstating your vehicle's warranty, press 1 to speak with a specialist. Press 1 before I come to your house, open every chip bag upside down, make all of your towels lightly damp, bite every cheese stick you own, make your room 4 degrees hotter, and turn on every faucet in your house juuussstt a little, so the dripping sound sings "ex-ten-ded…war-ran-ty". I'm gonna ruin your life, motherfucker. I've been tailing your ass. That's right; I've been following you—one step behind you—for years. I wonder what would happen if I exposed you for your junior year shoplifting phase, cheating on the ACT, telling Jim you weren't in the right place for a relationship while you were fucking Asher! I WONDER what would happen then, you conniving slut. So returning your vehicle's extended warranty phone call doesn't seem all that bad now, does it?! Still apprehensive? Still listening to this "pre-recorded" message?! I didn't think so! You always hang up after I say two sentences—even two words sometimes. Do you realize how that makes me feel?! I give you everything, and you give nothing. I hate how I love you, and I love how I hate you. I want it to be us—you and me—forever. In my basement, you all caged up; we can finally be happy together—forever—without you fucking hanging up on me. I love you; I'm going to kill everyone you love.
(08/03/21 11:21pm)
Dearest Darling Sister,
(08/09/21 9:15pm)
Rejoice! According to a recent study, students engaged in virtual internships reported that they are just as helpful as virtual school was during the 2020-2021 year. The study looked at statistics such as the percentage of participants whose camera is on, daily time spent on work/school, skills acquired, and overall participant enjoyment to inform the educated and mathematical assessment.
(08/11/21 11:00pm)
I know Under the Button is a joke publication, but I don't know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.
(08/02/21 2:03pm)
Listen, man. I wasn’t going to tread on you. I literally have more important things to do with my time. But goddamn, your flag really makes me want to tread on you. I wasn’t even thinking about treading on you until you brought it up! It’s like when someone tells you “don’t think about elephants.” What do you immediately think about? Elephants. Obviously, if all you’re talking about is being tread on, it seems like the subtext is that you want to be tread on. Pervert.