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Last Friday night, Wharton freshman Megan Richards was asked to take a lap before entering a party at campus fraternity Eta Beta Phi. Though it isn’t uncommon to be turned away from a crowded party, Richards expected easy entry due to a connection to one of the fraternity’s pledges, College freshman Ethan Simpson.
Restaurant Week is a celebrated pastime for many Penn students; a time where broke college kids can have a three-course meal that doesn’t involve leftover trays of Hummus Grill in the Huntsman forum. College senior Brandon Shao, however, sees things differently.
I’m a fairly easy-going girl; some might even call me “chill.” I don’t like to complain, but it’s been almost two years since I came to Penn, and I think it’s about time I stood up for myself. It’s time for people to stop assuming I didn’t earn my spot at this university. I understand that I’m privileged, but it’s unfair to discount my intellect because of that — my mom and I worked just as hard as everyone else to get here.
I’m from Los Angeles where it is always 75 degrees and sunny and we all sit around the pool with an IV full of almond milk made from wild-caught, humanely raised, free-range almonds and wait to be cryogenically preserved at age 25.
College freshman Meghan Spinelli told UTB how a life-changing experience has inspired her to give back. “A few weekends ago I accidentally left a frat party with a full handle of Bankers vodka. They had already played ‘Closing Time’ by Semisonic, so I knew there was no turning back. I ended up sneaking the bottle back into the quad and hiding it in a hole I made in my Twin XL mattress. You can never be too careful — I hear room checks are pretty strict,” explained Spinelli.
College freshman Sarah Westman got the shock of her life last Wednesday when she found out her roommate, Rachel Becker (C '21), was not who she said she was. “We met through the Penn 2021 Facebook page after Early Decision acceptances had been released,” said Westman. “We bonded about both being Pre-Med and about both being from a major U.S. city. Now neither one is true.”
Last Wednesday, Engineering sophomore Jeffrey Bates took a stand by taking a seat with Fossil Free Penn to protest Penn’s participation in the fossil fuel industry. However, Bates later clarified that he had ulterior motives for participating in the demonstration. “Looks can be deceiving," he said. "Sure, it’s important that Penn divest from fossil fuels, but it’s more important that I get to spend 36 hours completely sedentary.”
As our beloved founder once said: By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Leave it to the Class of 2022 to take Franklin’s teaching to the next level. Last night, Spencer Wilson (W ‘22) learned of his early acceptance to Penn. What was the first thing he did after posting a heartfelt biography in the Class of 2022 Facebook page that he will soon regret?
Over the past semester Mary Brennen, College sophomore and Saxby’s barista, noticed something strange about the 40th Street coffee shop. “There was this sudden shift in demographic. It seemed like every conversation I overheard was about ‘synthesis’ or some ambiguous collaboration of ‘creative types’,” recounted Brennen. Finally, Brennen’s questions were answered. “We’re all in the Collctve,” explained Sam Winston (W ‘19).
Date night season is upon us. College sophomore and brother of fraternity Chi Delt (XD) Dylan Hoffman is one of many students to feel the pressure of finding the perfect person to bring. “I asked this girl in my Social Psychology recitation, but she said she was busy that night,” said Hoffman. “Weird thing is I never even told her which night it was.”
College senior Joseph Peralta did the unthinkable. “I quit every single club I’m involved in. My tech incubator, my consulting club, all six of my A Cappella groups. Every. Single. One.”
Just yesterday, Penn inTouch suffered a major security breach. Tired of Penn’s continued exploitation, a Quaker nationalist group took matters into their own hands, hacking into the servers of Penn’s information platform to wreak havoc on a number of unsuspecting students.
Brian Relz (E ‘19) sure knows how to step up his extra-curricular game. This semester, Relz struck out on his own to create a club only for rich, attractive students-- and himself. Though not particularly well-known for either his looks or his wealth, Relz is dedicated to his new venture.
Finally: No more awkward laps and no more unplanned run-ins with your freshman roommate. Students can now book a table at Starbucks Under Commons — if they are in Wharton, that is. As of next Monday, Starbucks Under Commons will officially be renamed Jon M. Huntsman Hall Under Commons.
Whether it’s camping outside of Campus Apartments for 48 hours or making plans to move in with your freshman hall (who you’ll definitely be friends with forever), the quest to find housing can be tough. For the brothers of Omega Chi Rho (OCR), finding housing just got a little tougher.
Penn’s A Cappella scene is known for its varied sound: Pop, Jazz, Rock, Pop Fusion, Jazz and Pop, Pop and Jazz, Jazz-Pop Fusion. Penn’s newest A Cappella group, the Allegros, however, plans to revolutionize the genre by using instruments.
It all started out so innocently. It was freshman year; everyone was doing it. One night I finally gave in. “It was going to happen at some point,” I remember telling my friends. “It’s no big deal, guys.” And at first, it wasn’t. I copied and pasted in my resume and never gave it a second thought—until one day I logged in and saw it:
Just when Nick Snyder (C ‘21) finally worked up the courage to participate in his 300 person Psychology 001 lecture, things took a turn for the worst.
Last night, Engineering sophomore Sydney Essex was seen vomiting violently on the corner of 40th and Spruce streets. The silver lining? “She’s totally OK,” explained Engineering sophomore Rishika Sharma, who had previously been helping Essex throw up into a planter outside of Copabanana. Sharma told the crowd of bystanders that this was “honestly no big deal,” as Essex continued to projectile vomit. “One too many double margaritas, you know?”
Just yesterday, Penn’s newly-instated task force took responsibility for ordering Penn Police to shut down the popular campus hub. “Unregistered baristas, no shot limit? You had to have seen it coming” said Joel Fohman, chief officer of Penn Police. “Caffeine is a drug, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s not forget that.”