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In a historic move, Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, voted to welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year — as long as they are hot.
Professor Robert Ghrist, aka prof/g, was made famous by his first channel, Calculus Green, a Calculus 1 oriented channel, and later started a second channel, Calculus Blue, covering Calculus 2. Just this morning, to the delight of many of his loyal devotees, he announced the launch of Calculus Red, a NSFW ASMR calculus channel.
It’s been a tough few years to be a white male. Women’s voices were actually heard over theirs thanks to the #MeToo movement. Last year the quasi-liberals discovered that the BLM movement existed. And just when you thought those pesky greenies had shut up about climate change, no! - those damn club applications!
In case you missed those piddly little signs stuck in the grass around campus - it’s Climate Week! WOO-HOO. Now all the radicals who put this together can get this on their resume from their AC’ed rooms. Get your lighters out to survive the total sum of nothing organised!
A groundbreaking report done by the United States Department of Labor has found that the University of Pennsylvania’s student unemployment rate has skyrocketed in the aftermath of Penn Student Agency’s (PSA) ruthless hiring process.
So heartwarming!
More than 300 faculty members have signed a petition urging Penn to allow instructors to teach virtually. This petition expressed concerns over faculty members’ inability to freely masturbate during in-person classes.
Okay, before we get started I want it to be known that this isn’t a statement that I wanted to make. I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there. But as we all know, toots have a mind of their own - and now I need to address mine.
Welcome all ye peasants to the University of Pennsylvania, whether thou art a young freshman or wretched wench.
The beginning of the fall semester holds a different meaning to each student. To some, it signifies an adjustment back to school and the revival of their nudes addiction. But, to me, it simply means getting to talk to my best friend, Penn-in-Touch Two-Step Verification, again.
In the 20th century, America experienced urban white depopulation simultaneous to an influx in white suburban populations. However, recently, many white people are returning to the city in droves because of the nagging boredom inherent to suburban living. As they move back into the city, white people drive up housing costs in underdeveloped neighborhoods, replacing native residents with neoliberal urban amenities like gastropubs and cat cafés.
A student’s sociology final project is making waves in the Penn community. Mike Pelanti, a senior studying sociology and concentrating in LGBTQ Studies, recently conducted a survey where he asked Penn undergraduates across all four schools one simple question: would you rather have a gay son, or daughter studying History and Sociology of Science?
Penn Fraternity, Sigma Ligma Pau, made headlines this past Saturday following the implementation of their new philanthropy drive, 4 Lokos 4 Locals. Months of planning, fundraising, and 4 Loko taste testing resulted in one of the most tragic events to take place in Philadelphia in years. We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement.
Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon. Due to COVID-19, there were limited in-person attendees for the kick-off event. President Amy Gutmann cut the rope alongside Ronald Perelman.
UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!
Friendship. Laughter. College. Salad. Memories. Booths. Almost ripe fruit. Long lines for pasta.
Welcome to Ego of the Weak, our weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For this week’s installment, we’re sitting down with Under the Button (talking to ourselves), to reflect on the error of our ways.
The introduction of new strains of COVID-19 on campus has many students, understandably, concerned. While many point fingers at violators of the Campus Compact, a study conducted by the CDC has confirmed our worst fears, that the strain is transmitted through one of America’s most beloved British shows: The Great British Bake Off.
Welcome to Ego of the Weak, our weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For this week’s installment, we’re sitting down with Class Board, Penn’s favorite group of narcissists, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.
Welcome to Ego of the Weak, a new weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For our first installment, we’re sitting down with Kite & Key, Penn’s Tour Guide Society, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.