Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals
April 18, 2021 at 9:10 pm
Penn Fraternity, Sigma Ligma Pau, made headlines this past Saturday following the implementation of their new philanthropy drive, 4 Lokos 4 Locals. Months of planning, fundraising, and 4 Loko taste testing resulted in one of the most tragic events to take place in Philadelphia in years. We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement.
I thought it went great. Surprised it went well enough to get me onto TV, but you know what they say, If the 4 Loko doesn’t fit in the shoe, then the shoe must not be made for 4 Lokos. So it’s good to be here.
Would you mind telling those readers who may not live in the philadelphia area what happened on saturday?
My brothers and I pulled off the greatest philanthropy drive since Ganja for Gangsters. We saw the poverty, lack of infrastructure, and job insecurity in our city and knew we couldn’t just watch from the sidelines, so we bought our locals 4 Lokos. 4 Four Lokos per Local. We started at the preschools, man you gotta love the kids, they’re our future. We then hit the old age homes - give our guys and gals one last ride on the blackout express before they, you know.
So why did you guys choose this instead of, I don’t know, a bake sale?
Haha ha. Can this be off the record?
Great. Well between me and you. I myself, am also a local, technically. I’ve been banned from every store that sells 4 Lokos within a 25 mile radius of here. Don't ask why. I needed the help. I needed to be Loko.
Okedoke then. Well before we finish - any comment on the 25 deaths that took place as a result of your drive?
Well, in the words of the great John Legend, “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I just have a 4 Loko addiction”. Chaddy out.