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(02/11/25 6:14pm)
The Philadelphia Eagles' Super Bowl win has made a lot of people happy. The players are world champions, Jalen Hurts and Nick Sirriani have silenced the doubters, and the fans had the opportunity to annihilate their own city brick by brick. But perhaps those who have gained the most from this dominant victory are none other than erectile dysfunction patients.
(12/06/24 5:01pm)
Diddy do it? Yes, Diddy did it. Regardless of who my Spotify Wrapped top artist of 2024 is, and regardless of who my top artist has been for the past five years, and regardless of whose poster is on my bedroom wall (all four of them plus the floors and ceiling), I affirm that Diddy did it, and Diddy did it many times.
(10/21/24 6:36pm)
I am walking down Locust. A woman steps in front of me, blocking my path. I pivot left. Like a crack of lightning she pivots with me. She had trained for this. I pivot right, but before I can even make the conscious decision to pivot right, she is already there, like some malicious omniscient entity. Beads of cold sweat drench my face as I stare intensely at my phone and play Candy Crush, a game that I hadn't opened since I owned an IPod in 2012. I pray to God for safe passage through the treacherous waters in which he has left me to drown. But suddenly, something pokes my chest and stops me.
(09/13/24 6:00pm)
Are you white? Are you male? Are you a known pervert, or perchance even a registered sex offender? Do you own an island, on which you and your friends Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Stephen Hawking commit the most horrific sexual crimes that the human mind can conceive of, things that would make a moral man convulse and vomit and pray to God for shrieking vengeance upon this Earth? In the near future, do you plan on having the FBI arrange for your assassination and then frame it as a suicide despite the fact that you were under around-the-clock surveillance ordered with the direct intention of preventing you from committing suicide? If you fit this description, then the Penn Mock Trial Team wants YOU to become our newest member!
(09/09/24 4:00pm)
Wow, your summer internship at Blackstone sounds like it was a powerful experience. Yes, managing those Excel spreadsheets must have been a deeply moving, spiritual experience. Hmh, spending eight hours per day watching your boss rip lines of cocaine and touch himself under his desk was surely an educational experience. Hey, why don't we keep saying the word experience preceded by a different adjective until we run out of adjectives to use? Meaningful experience, invaluable experience, invigorating experience! Experience experience experience!
(09/06/24 2:00pm)
When I was a young boy, my grandfather taught me the most important lesson of my life. He was a weathered man, born and raised in the unforgiving wheat fields of Sicily, but even in old age, he had wisdom beyond his years:
(02/23/24 4:08am)
Trying to pick up a Philly girl and don't know what to say to her? Lucky for you, we here at Under the Button have conducted hundreds of peer-reviewed clinical studies on what Philadelphia women want to hear:
(02/07/24 11:33pm)
Welp. You motherfuckers have done it now. After three thousand years of rich history, an organization more influential than the Greek, Roman, German, Persian, and Mongolian empires combined, not to mention every Chinese Dynasty, the Soviet Union, the human race, and Laufey, has been purged from our campus. Mark’s Cafe is leaving the Van Pelt basement and moving to the greener pastures of O-Block, Chicago.
(04/25/23 4:39pm)
August 27th, 2022. NSO. Me and the loose collection of gentlemen I found in a Quad lounge enter Commons for the first time. The food smells delicious. We feel a profound thankfulness for the privilege of dining here for the next nine months. Taking our seats, we discuss our ratio for the evening. Is it better to go to a party with thirteen guys and zero girls or thirteen guys and one girl? At least you can pass off the first option as a guys’ night, right? The second is just an admission of complete and utter failure.
(03/23/23 12:31am)
March 18th, 2023 began like any normal St Patty’s Day. Breathalyzers read 0.5 when exposed to the open air. Darties were beginning and getting shut down in the same exact millisecond. Eagles jerseys emerged from their drawers for the first time since Patrick Mabitchmotherfucker cheated the Birds out of the Superbowl. Life was as it should be.
(03/20/23 4:59am)
Step into your imagination. Take a journey with me. You’re eating your chicken-and-rice bowl outside of McClelland. It’s delicious. The exotic blend of sauces are reminiscent of the majesty of the Silk Road, so much so that your mind is transported there. You see spice traders filtering in and out of the bazaar. Wait, there’s Marco Polo! Oh, and there’s a horde of Mongols under the command of the ferocious Ghengis Khan!
(02/23/23 12:54am)
Well, here we are. Coffee chatting. We’re chatting, we’re drinking coffee. We’re coffee chatting. The activity where we chat while we drink coffee. Hey, what’s your major again? Finance, wow. That’s a very nice major for us to discuss during our coffee chat (in which we chat and drink coffee simultaneously).
(03/29/23 11:44pm)
Greetings, fellow students. Or as I’ll soon be calling you, fellow COMRADES. “Comrades? Why is he calling us comrades? Isn’t that a Communist title reserved for citizens of the People's Republic of China from 1949-1978? He must be exaggerating.” No, I’m not exaggerating. Not in the slightest. Right before our very eyes, Xi JiMagill is giving Penn red an entirely new meaning.