“I’m really here to bring the Penn community together over something that you all agree on,” O’side says as she spills some of her $5 vodka cran on her blue and white dress. “It’s pretty simple. First there will be a Jewish comedy night, and then there will be a Tel Aviv Night.” 

When I see a button nose it makes me so ill that I just have to throw up in my mouth.

Penn Engineers are having more sex than everyone. 

First hand, you and your classmates can examine each other’s… members!

They will begin leasing the Radian next year as sophomore on campus housing, and you and I are on this cosmic journey together.

I slept in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room, the ATO roof deck, under the button, and the Quad Catacombs.

I was having a conversation with one of my many acquaintances who are so overwhelmingly in love with me that they pop the question: “Where do you live?” Why do you want to know? Do you want to bed me?

Pizza slices will be limited to one per person and will be a generous two inches in width.

If students can shut up and enjoy their rice, then Penn Dining might consider adding lettuce again.

Usually I am told that the reason for this emotional downpour is my kind face. I can’t change this about myself, believe me I’ve tried. So, I’ve devised a solution.