UTB's Field Guide To Family Weekend

Family Weekend is afoot and it's a jungle out there, folks. From trying to hide your periodic binge drinking to possibly being forced to go to an actual football game, it's a wild weekend. UTB's Field Guide can help you make sense of the madness and identify the various species of family members roaming campus.

The Former Frat Bro

Habitat: Smoke's

Key markings: Oakley sunglasses, slight paunch

Behavior: Calling Tap House waitress by her name and winking

Observation Tips: Wait quietly on the porch of the Women's Center for the specimen to come by and wistfully reminisce about how it used to be his frat. 

The Empty Nester Who's Not Over It

Habitat: Immediately next to their child for the full 48 hours

Key markings: Penn Mom shirt, tears

Behavior: Folding every single person's laundry in a Quad laundry room

Observation Tips: Leave a trail of dirty socks and empty beer bottles leading to your room. Wait for specimen to arrive, ready to give you a stern talking-to and maybe also a hug. 

The Angsty Younger Sibling Who Is Very Over It

Habitat: 10 feet behind the rest of family

Key markings: Hollister shirt (must be confirmed by naturalists in the field, we actually don't know what the kids are wearing these days)

Behavior: Rolling eyes, only looking up from phone for Snapchat opportunities

Observation tips: Speak enthusiastically about Penn. Scan surroundings for acne-d youth making that throaty adolescent sound of scorn. 

The One-Of-The-Gals Mom

Habitat: At a frat with very uncomfortable daughter and her group of friends

Key markings: Botox

Behavior: Distributing unsolicited sexual advice while inquiring about "hook up culture" t Penn

Observation tips: Wait for photos of the weekend to be uploaded to Facebook. Whoever comments 17+ times is a confirmed specimen. 

The Parents Who Aren't Here

Habitat: Home

Key markings: Invisible

Behavior: Living far away and/or not loving their child

Observation tips: Wait for Graduation.