10 Things I Would be Grateful For if I Had Them

1. Dining room table in my apartment

Where have my roommates and I been eating dinner, you ask? The couch. 

2. Clean couch in my apartment 

I like to play this game where I focus on a new square foot of the couch every day and imagine what might’ve stained it. What keeps it interesting is the fact that everyone, including me, is constantly adding new stains by spilling food on the couch. That’s what happens when you don’t have a dining room table. Sure, it’s a fun game, but it distracts me from my homework and is probably the reason I’m close to failing two of my classes.

3. No bugs in my apartment 

The roaches living in our building are the biggest fans of our dining situation. Unfortunately they are disgusting and I’d like them gone.

4. No mice in my apartment

If you’re in contact with Stuart Little or Ralph S. Mouse, please let them know that they can’t live with us if they're not paying rent. And while you’re at it, kindly inform them the toilet is upstairs next to bedroom 2, so there’s no reason for them to be shitting on the floor. 

5. Less cracks in my apartment

We should start calling my place a crack house. Not in reference to crack-cocaine, but in reference to the many cracked walls and floorboards where we suspect the roaches and mice are coming from.

6. One fridge in my apartment 

Last week, we called our landlord to see if he had an extra freezer shelf sitting around that we could use.

"One freezer shelf, that's all we need!" we told him. "Please just bring one shelf, as in, one small piece of metal for our freezer."

 We woke up the next morning with two fridges in our apartment. Two. 

I guess it’s a classic case of “too much of a good thing”, because while we can keep twice as many things cool, our electricity bill has gone through the roof. It's enough to make even the most sane among us Maoists.

7. Even floorboards in my apartment

My floors have a 5 degree angle to them. Sure, that seems like a small number, but it’s big enough for my rolling desk chair to notice. 

8. Unbroken chair in my apartment

We have this broken chair sitting in the kitchen, just sitting there. Can someone throw it out and replace it already?

9. Fully functioning stovetop in my apartment

The front right one never works and the front left one works if you say a special prayer before you touch the dial. Five Hail Marys for the Catholics, Kaddish for the Jews, and The Pledge of Allegiance for the rest.

10. No one is actually reading this far down but if you've done this week’s BIOL 2510 homework... I’m so confused!! Could you email me the answers?