Penn Students To Leave Chopped Cheese by Fireplace Night Before Curtis Sliwa Visits Campus

Joy to the world! Curtis Sliwa is coming to town! This Friday, the professional government society POLIS will host the former mayoral candidate to discuss public safety, urban governance, and how to properly order at a bodega. Before his arrival, however, POLIS is instructing all students around campus to leave a chopped cheese by the fireplace the night before his arrival.

Campuses around the United States that have hosted Sliwa reported that students who had been nice all year woke up on the day of his arrival with a bite taken out of the sandwich and a red beret on their heads. They also claim that, for students without a fireplace or chimney, leaving the sandwich near an open window worked just as well.

POLIS members are taking the extra step for his arrival, decorating their homes with New York Knicks gear, hanging wreathes of grabba and marijuana, and placing a Guardian Angel figurine on top of a house plant.

Although rare, sources close to Sliwa claim that naughty students will wake up in the backseat of a yellow taxi with the Gambinos and Gottis. They’ll survive, of course — but if someone you know goes missing, please visit Penn Medicine, where they’ll likely be in the ICU.