OP-ED: I am the GBF to These Hot Girls in a Top Sorority Right Here, and You Will Treat Me as Such

Wait, I'm with them! Why can't I come in? Ratio? Take a lap? Stacey, Lacey, get back here. Yeah, that's right. These two bodacious blonde bombshells and this bitchy gay boy? We're a package deal. I am the GBF to these hot girls in a top sorority, and you will treat me as such. 

What frat am I in? Well... I'm not in one. So? Why are you laughing? Why do I need to be in a frat? You think I'd want to be in a space with toxically masculine men who objectify my sisters? Ew! Lame! Not for me! And it's so sad that you boys would pay money for that. Hah!

Who do I know? Um... who don't I know? You see the "T" on this sweatshirt covering my delicate boy frame? You know what the "T" stands for, dude? (Scoff) Let's just say that I party with the children of very important people.

What frats do I hang with? The relevant ones. Funny you should ask. I'm, like, really tight with many of the brothers in Castle. Stacey, Lacey, and I get invited to their intimate dinners all the time. And it's, like, they're so my bros, I don't even see them in, like, a weird way or anything.

Why are you laughing? What did you call me? No not "faggot," the other thing. "A prop to give basic sorority girls texture?" Are you out of your mind? I am in a friendship of equals. Equals. I get invited to Big Little Week. I get invited to Tulum. I don't get invited to date night, but that's just because I don't put out or come from money. You get the point. And bro. Bro. If anything, I'm using these girls. I'm using their clout to give myself a sense of identity that I clearly don't possess intrinsically. Right? Right? Haha, you get it.

'Aight, so we cool man? Right on! Stacey, Lacey, let's get this All-White Party started!