“I Gave My Girlfriend Her First STD” and Other Top Five Things to Bring Up at Your Next Consulting Club Coffee Chat

Wharton Consulting Club veterans know the first rule of coffee chats: assert dominance.

This is the most important piece of getting a job offer – and you’re competing with other 17-18 year olds who already have countless consulting opportunities on their resumes.

You need to stand out. Remember: it’s not about the firm, it’s about you. The losers are those who are too embarrassed to list their best assets. If you have a big dick, you have a big dick. Don’t sell yourself short. If you don’t have a big dick, lie to them and tell them you have a big dick. 

Projecting confidence is key in these situations. Here are the top 5 things to bring up that will guarantee an internship offer:

1. Upon sitting down for the coffee chat, tell the person, “Go ahead, shut the door, I won’t scream” while winking conspiratorially. This will make sure your coffee-chatter feels comfortable and won’t be fidgety.
2. No matter how “important” the coffee-chatter makes him/herself out to be, refuse to talk to that person. Tell them that you will speak to the “head honcho” only. This shows you mean business. 
3. Impress upon the coffee-chatter that you are an aggressive, ambitious self-starter. Do this by telling them you gave your first girlfriend chlamydia. (Some think that spreading STDs is taboo. Don’t let that radical leftist ideology brainwash you. Your coffee-chatter will appreciate you taking a stand against this dangerous norm.)
4. Pull up your Rice Purity Score. Make sure it’s between 0-23; otherwise your coffee-chatter will think you are a pussy. 
5. Ask them who their top “opp” is at the company. Come up with a 5-point plan on how to “take” them “out.” Then come up with another 5-point plan on how to monetize off of others’ grief at the funeral. (Brownie points if you remember the 7Ss: Strategy, Structure, Systems, Skills, Staff, Style, Shared Values.)

If your coffee chat partner doesn’t immediately give you an offer letter, double down: tell them you are happy to spread your STD to higher ups at the office. 

If still no offer, you probably did it wrong. But anyway, this probably wasn't the first time you got rejected.

Hope this helps!