Breaking: Jeremy The Cockroach Killed In Tragic Quad Renovation Accident

Philadelphia, PA — Beloved Fisher-Hassenfeld residents Jeremy the Cockroach, his cockroach wife and two cockroach children were brutally squashed and permanently pancaked into the pavement this Thursday in an accident in which a construction worker allegedly 'lost his balance' and stepped on poor Jeremy and the gang. 

Ryan, a former Fisher resident, expressed his grief over Jeremy’s passing: “Man I loved Jeremy. He was kinda my GOAT. He’d swing by my room late at night with his buddies to say hi. He used to shit on the floor sometimes, which made me feel validated cause I do that too. Jeremy was real… I’ll miss that little fucker with all my heart.”

The Quad Renovation Project has been disastrous for relations between the Quad Construction Administration (QCA) and the Coalition of Quad Cockroaches (CQC).

Ted the Cockroach, a spokesperson for CQC, condemned the incident in a statement to Under the Button: “We have lost so many cockroach guys these last three years. It’s grim out there. [The QCA has] no love for us.” He rejected the account of an accidental misstep. “You really expect us to believe that he just ‘lost his balance’? No. This was a clear act of aggression. First, they took Riepe, then Ware, and we let them have it. Now they want to take Fisher? I say NO! We must revolt! We are COCKROACHES!! We can survive nukes! What is the foot of a man but a cloud over our antennae?"

This accident comes a week after CQC rejected QCA’s proposal to temporarily relocate Quad Cockroaches to Gregory College House during construction. When tapped to explain his decision, Ted responded: “That is a fate worse than death. Live in Gregory? What are we, subhuman filth?”