New Study Shows Freshmen Who Live in Renovated Quad Have 50% Less Testosterone

The Penn Institute for Developmental Research recently conducted a highly supported, highly invasive study on the new Penn class of 2029. By testing the testosterone levels in the testosterone-producing male population of the Quad, researchers found that the modernization of the Quad has resulted in a 50% decrease in testosterone levels in the testosterone-producing residents. 

This was an unforeseen result of the millions dollar investment in better living conditions for incoming freshmen classes. The rest of Penn will unfortunately have to deal with these results as the new generation of Penn becomes less and less testosterone filled and more and more padded by the luxuries of newly installed hardwood floors and asbestos-free walls. The effects of lowered testosterone levels on future consulting club executive boards and Tridelt-Hall relations will be devastating. 

UTB went to investigate the drastic results of this study in the Quad, and ran into a freshman named Zachary Testless (W’29). Upon seeing our news van, he ran over and asked:

“My gonads! Why haven’t they dropped?”

We stared at him in shock, and eventually, one of us spoke:

“It’s because you revel in the luxury of modern living, and no longer experience the material struggle of fending for yourself in a decaying, centuries-old institution. You no longer know what it means to feel pain, to feel loss, to feel like the walls around you are slowly infecting you with their poison. You have missed your chance, to learn history, to learn strength, to learn resilience. It is because of your coddled existence that you do not deserve gonads, and so they will remain undropped.”